2024. Godspeed.

    

So, once again another year ends. Seems as if I haven't posted anything since 2022. Online journaling is kind of an 'out-there for anyone to read' type of leap. It is  intimidating to think of having my writing out for public viewing. 

    In reading through former posts, I've written a lot of history. My first posting was in 2009. 15 years of documented excursions and insights. My plan is to start posting again, as it is the plan every year. So much has changed or shifted with me, with my world and with life in general. Maybe just putting thoughts out into the universe will bring some perspective.  

    For the last two years, posting nothing pretty much says it all. Nothing has been happening. Well, a lot has been happening, but nothing much on the teaching and instructing front, anyway. Day after day, week after week, month after month, always the same ol' same ol'. Until that one day - that one day that is not like all the others and a new same ol' same ol' begins. 

    At one time I thought maybe I was simply taking a hiatus from the self defense stuff. it has extended beyond a simple hiatus. I am not sure I plan on pursuing the self defense stuff any further. I do not know how come I don't wish to keep on keeping on. 

    A shift has happened, or is happening, who knows. The mind chatter constantly tells me, "You're slacking. You're not doing enough. You should be [fill in the blank]" I miss working out with people. I miss physical exertion that comes with working out with people. I miss the good ol' days of working out at the dojo. Classes were three hours long, the workouts intense. 

    Three hours for me these days would be overkill. But a solid hour, hour and a half maybe, would be awesome. The typical time for training classes today is 45 to 50 minutes. That amount of time we wouldn't even be enough for our warm ups back in the day. 

    So the end of 2024 and the first blog post in two years. The following months I do plan on vomiting thoughts out into the interwebs. They won't be the typical posts I have always seem to have done. The plan is to let myself express more of what makes me tick, what ticks me off, what intrigues, and how I perceive. 

As always, 'good luck'

Hey, I got a idea...

I have been brewing an idea for a while now. I have thought about how to do something that will help me accomplish a couple of goals. One, it would be to help me develop, tweak and better my presentation. Two, the plan would help me gather a group of people that will also be a support of sorts. And three, it would assist in me gaining video shorts and pics for social media. I decided to call it a focus group b/c we would be focusing on specifics with the goal of feedback and input. 
   On the two occasions I was able to teach in 2022, I realized how much I enjoyed doing so. Being able to be in front of others and sharing knowledge is so inspiring, fun and joyous that I really need to do it more often. This will be the gateway that helps me with that. At least that is the vision.
   What I have in mind is that there would be a short introduction to terminology and expectations for the duration of the focus group. The group will be limited to a maximum of 10 women, minimum of 6. It will cost much less than seminar cost. At the end of 4 weeks, money will be refunded to those who attend each session with no absences. 

   The duration of the focus group is 4 weeks of 3 hrs each, and on additional hour for the introduction session. 

   Sessions will consist of various types of teaching methods, which include lecture, discussion, play and discovery, along with fieldwork and homework.  

   I started Subtle Warrior Self Defense 19 years ago and have taught women self defense all around Nevada, and in several other states as well and to a variety of groups and organizations. I have continued my own training in the self defense industry to become more knowledgeable about the subject and to hone my instruction. 
   Dates and time have not yet been set. The first step was putting feelers out for places to gather. The plan is to start early in 2023, and the group will be meet in Wells.
   COVID affected everyone one way or another, including me. I dodged the illness, but the mental aftermath was my challenge. Which is some of the reason Subtle Warrior has not been offering any seminars for a while. I am hoping that enough people will be interested for this to happen. 
   If you have ever reached out to me wanting to learn or had any interest in learning from me and what I do, this would be your best bet. All the material, at the lowest price possible. Once the seminars are ready for public consumption, the price increases. 

Travel and Training - 500 Rising is rising

 

   I've returned from Ashburn, VA attending my third 500 Rising training. It was a good trip. I hadn’t planned on attending, really. I knew one was coming up, but didn't think it was going to work with my schedule. Turns out Tammy put it on a weekend that worked too well to pass up. Seriously though, I  attended because I knew if I stayed home during spring break I would slip deeper. Not bad, but not good. Definitely not good. I went because I knew hanging with tribe  would be the best ‘self care’ I could do right now. The material covered is also very important and I could never hear it enough.

    Getting away and going there was a very good decision. I left Ashburn with a much better energy. I returned exhausted because of the very late nights and long, long days, red eye flight and the lengthy drive home. Even through all of that I am lifted in spirit.

    500 Rising has a goal of changing the statistics on violence against women. Imagine if so many women were trained that assailants would not have much choice in targets. That is how stats could really change. It’s not about target hardening, it’s about targeting education.

    Much of that change will happen when subtle skills are brought to the forefront. Recognizing what to look for, how to read what’s happening, understanding human nature and patterns. Comprehension and perception of our nature and make up gives data to make informed choices and decisions in her actions and safety. Knowledge is power. That is how statistics change. Self defense begins way before it ever goes physical. That’s where change starts. The change in statistics and the change in mindset. 

    The certificate I received after this training is pretty. I don’t say that much, not really attached to my certificates. They are simply nice reminders. But none have struck me like this one. It was pretty. Very, very nice looking, like shiny, classy, high-quality really special on its own. I think I might actually put it in one of those ‘important-document-I-have-earned’ frames.

“Licensed Instructor”

    Recently I was told by someone in charge at my workplace, “If I didn't like it, then maybe I should get my teaching certification.” I thought that an interesting statement. While looking at my certificate I had an odd recall of his words. Wonder what he would think if he walked into my classroom and happen to see it framed and hung on my wall?

    When I say I started in the martial arts 40 years ago it sounds like a long time. Which it is, but to me it isn't that big a deal. Yet it is. It very much so is. My presence in that space for all those years was important. More so than I could have ever imagined. Not that I set out on any kind of journey or quest. It was more like my usual tactic of winging it. In reality, I actually started to get away from myself. I was a mess. A wreck. Huge train wreck waiting to happen. So I started just to get away from myself and all the inner turmoil. I could not have predicted I would be at the place I am at now.  

    One doesn’t always know they are totally on a journey or quest until, IDK - the universe reveals it? Could be decades, may not be what you think it's suppose to be and it may not be something you realize you're capable of. I often think of those who have gone before, the ones who didn't set out to be amazing, who where just doing what they do and ended up forging a path.

    Apprehension flairs up when thinking of the facing the masses. It’s like banging ones head against the wall when trying to explain that personal safety is not only the physical, but so much more on so many levels. Physically defending happens when all else has failed, and you have no other choice. Ambush, as in pounced on suddenly without warning or without expectation. When statistics are that more often the assailant is someone known or familiar to the woman, like 85% of the time - that ambush is more than just a physical ambush.

    So, from strength to strength we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before. What does that mean? That means I am not by myself in this mission. I am surrounded by many women and men who understand that women’s safety must be wholeheartedly about her strengths and resilience on all levels and all frameworks. Combat sports and fighting arts do not address those deeper areas. But those areas can make her combat fighting styles even more effective. If only…

 Go check out the website 500Rising.com 

Persevere

When the going gets tough the tough get going is easy.

It's when the going gets challenging - that's when it's hard. Really, really hard. Hard to persevere. Hard to keep going. Hard not to give up.

Challenging - is different for everyone. We all have challenges.

The dramatic like to make all their 'challenges' be known, along with all their tragedies. Their every conversation must include all challenges and newest tragedy that intensifies said challenge. When it seems to be an ongoing theme it becomes harder to listen. It morphs into drama.

Then there are those who feel the challenges but simply ride them out or deal with them as they arise. No fanfare. No trumpets of announcement. No constant vocalizations about it all.

And some times that quiet is not always because everything is hunky dory, A-Okay and cheerio. Things could very well be totally falling apart and collapsing right there under the surface. And who would know?

Articulating some things can be difficult especially for someone who has a hard time expressing themselves to begin with. Add having been trained (or conditioned) to suck it up. No need for emotion, it's not necessary. One learns to figure it out and deal with shit on their own. 

 Or not. 

Then there is the dilemma of not having the words to express what is happening or the feelings being experienced. There's no descriptors for what's going on within.

Paired up not having anyone close enough who gets is and who can handle someone who sucks at conversation, it's hard to really dig deep into what's going on inside.

That's the challenge.

When the going gets tough it's easy.

It's when the going gets challenging that's when it's tough. Really really tough.

Funk. Empty. Void. Down. Lost

I think many of us analyze and introspect ourselves. The past couple of years have been challenging, even for those of us who are good with not having to interact with people so much. However, even us hermits and introverts need others at some level. 

The effects of the crazy insane couple of years are still welling up. It feels kinda like an invisible tidal wave. You know, how it hits, goes back into the sea and then the next after shock and it goes back, and then the next one, etc. 

Each one is similar but different. The aftermath of the initial one is taken up and redistributed differently with the second. And so on and so forth. 

Well, that is how it feels with the emotion, the energy and feelings. 

Things going on at a good pace, just clicking along, but then everything slams to a halt. Eventually some things sorta start up again, differently and modified but moving. Now its like all is moving along, but not well. 

When I was a kid, I remember my brother talking about keeping his pick up running with wire, baling twine and nylons. Gerry-rigging things just to keep it moving along until parts could be found or bought. The challenge of problem solving and cashing in on all the affordances that can be imagined. 

Well, right now I feel as if things are moving along all gerry-rigged like. Duck tape, popsicle sticks, string, gum and mud. Everybody’s going through their days hoping the whole shitshow doesn’t fall apart all at once. Adding more gum and tape, but not really fixing anything. 

Well, with the ongoing shitshow somethings gotta give. Those who have the adaptability can step out and give themselves space to breath to keep themselves together. But sometimes, we don’t have the opportunity and things go south. Emotion and energy wise. 

Introspection and the controllable. Adding duct tape on top of duct tape on top of duct tape doesn’t fix anything, and is pretty pointless after a short time. It’s frustrating. 

So what does one do? 

Can't tell ya.        

I don’t know. 

I know what I have been feeling lately sometimes has me a bit scared. Figuring out what I need to make happen in order to maintain sanity has been challenging. I kinda know what I think I might want to do, but also I don’t want to shoulder more responsibility. Especially for others. It’s hard enough being responsible for myself right now. 

A place to go for a good work out would be great. But that doesn’t exist around here. None that would be worth my travel time anyway. “Start your own” you might say, well then, there ya go, right back to square one. I cannot be responsible for running the show right now. At least not solely by myself. Teaching seminars is one thing. That is completely different than undertaking an organized regular training or work out session. 

Bleah. 

Just. Bleah.

Cheers to 40 years

This month - January marks 40 years since signing up and stepping onto the dojo floor. 

Holy Shit!

No ones does anything for 40 years and not grow, learn, adapt and adjust. When I started way back in the day, there were many eager to join because of the whole ‘karate is bad ass’ attitude. Watching martial arts movies and Jackie Chan made us want to be able to do what they could. One of the unsung reasons to learn martial arts was to learn self defense. At that time, karate was self defense. 

Forty years ago there were very few female instructors. I was always told that no one else does what I do. My instructor would tell me I was unique,  there were no other women karate-ka in the area. Just because we never saw one didn't mean that others were not out there. I didn't do many tournaments. We were located in a small town in a remote rural area of the state, of course we hadn’t heard of any other women martial artists. 

I don't consider myself as a martial artist; but rather, as someone who did the martial arts. I am not sure what that means. Other than one means to create and the other is one to just do. There were lots of things I enjoyed about the traditional arts. The work out, the people, the having to dig deep, the successes, all the physical and mental demands. 

Switching to women’s self defense from traditional martial arts was a blind leap of faith. Martial arts and self defense are not the same thing. Being physically capable of fighting in training doesn't mean one would have the capacity to do so in a sudden attack of violence. Also training doesn't cover the awareness to deal with specific circumstances woman will face more ofen. Going into the self defense realm was kinda an uphill battle. Convincing people that they need to learn more than just kicking, hitting and blocking is difficult.  

At that time martial art/karate were mutually known as self defense. And self defense experts were law enforcement, tactical military, or high ranked multi-belted martial arts champion. The ladies who were leaders in the self defense industry at that time were also martial arts fighters and karate champions. They got their foot in the ‘self defense’ door because of their accomplishments in the ring. They knew the tribulations women have in a man’s world. They also knew that the physical skills of defending were the last line of defense. It was the subtle skills of avoiding, escape, evasion and deflecting were the skills practiced more. Judging not only when to act, but how to react because retaliation was always on the table. That retaliation could take on many forms. 

Training for the physical matches is very empowering. As arduous and agonizing as it could be, it was much more enjoyable and easier than the bobbing and weaving of avoiding, escaping, evading and deflecting of unwanted advances, touching, or intrusive intimacy. Then there’s the aftermath of retaliation. Those who have gone before had to deal with the same things we are still dealing with, but I think we are now finally making ground with the shit we have to deal with sometimes. Shit like why it's a problem, how it sincerely affect us, and that it is not nothing. 

Starting in the martial arts January 1982, fast-forwarding to 2022 is an entire lifetime for some. The knowledge and skills gained from the traditional martial arts propelled me into this, what I do now. Although anyone who grew up in the 70’s rough and tumble age certainly has aches and pains today that constantly remind us of the good ol’ days. My goal is to educate others about keeping themselves safe. At least understand that they already have skills to keep safe because we use subtle skills and instinct or intuition everyday to keep safe. Physical skills are good to have, too but not necessarily skills in fighting. Rather skills in mobility, strength, movement, structure, dexterity, flexibility and reflex. Being able to use your body, the body you have, to move and react in ways that are necessary to keep safe. 

Keeping safe can mean anything from dodging an unobservant pedestrian, to getting under a table to hide, or jump up and run out the escape route at the back of the store. If you are mobile, can get up or down from  the ground, move swiftly, and think calmly then you’re off to a good start. I have aged to a point where I have to recalibrate how I do some things, but working constantly to keep my mobility is an every day goal. 

Installment 5. Series of Fortunate Events. Roshi

 Way back in 2004 I made the conscious decision to teach women self defense. I knew I had many things to learn, and no idea what or how. From that point things just kinda presented themselves, but I had to take the opportunities when they were presented. There have been several.

When I left the traditional martial arts, it was literally like turning my back on the thing that lied to me. I was not in a good place and really, really needed to be somewhere else besides here. I ended up in a Zen Buddhist Monastery. I actually wrote a place in New York to ask about work study and got no response. Then I saw an ad in some magazine about work study at Upaya in Santa Fe. I applied and was accepted.

The next person on deck for this Series of Fortunate events is Roshi Joan, a Zen priest who founded Upaya. https://www.upaya.org/about/roshi/ 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya, a Buddhist monastery Zen center to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells.

    It was a big leap. I was too naive to understand the enormity of my action at the time. But now… now I realize that it was huge. In so many ways. 

    Now, I did not know what I was getting myself into. Nor did I understand the urgency to be there. I got there three days after a month long silent retreat had begun. It's called Ango. I did not know what Ango was. I was not there for Ango I was there for work/study. Ango is a retreat in which everything is done in deep meditation and in silence. There was no talking and many, many hours of meditations. I was there for work/study I only had to do 3 sessions of meditation daily. The other time was spent working or resting. 

    This was my first time traveling completely on my own. I had to buy the airline ticket, figure out how to get from point A to point B to point C, all by myself. Apparently, I was pretty anxious about it all because I found myself puking in the bathroom before boarding the plane. When I got there they had already started the retreat, and so they were in complete silence. No one would answer questions. It certainly was not very welcoming. 

    The experience was one of those tests the universe sends. I had requested it, but had no idea what I was getting into. Literally. The place was beautiful and there were a lot of people there from all around the world just attending Ango. A hand full of residence were the backbone to keeping things running. Everyone who is at Upaya works. There are chores the whole community chips in to get done. The residence lead the groups of guests assigned to a particular chore. 

    About a year before my arrival there was an upheaval in the board, and things were not quite stable, yet. I knew I was there for work/study. The people running the joint kept asking me if I was there for Ango. It seemed that they weren’t sure why I was there. They would ask if I was there for Ango and I would say I don't know what Ango is I am here for work/study. They would in turn say, “for Ango?” It was a comedy of sorrowful proportions. At the end of the month I realized that they were confused by the work/study thing. They thought maybe the work/study was in trade to attend Ango? I was there to work. And  participate in Zen. Whatever that means. 

    Meeting Roshi Joan Halifax. My first evening waiting to go in to the Zendo for meditation I was standing outside watching the other people standing outside. Blending in or at least observing so that I would know what to do to blend in. From the upper part of the campus, a group of people came walking down to where we were. They were official-type people, known because of the way were dressed. Several, dressed in black robes, were surrounding one dressed in more elaborate colorful ones. 

    There were many, many people standing outside the Zendo waiting to go in. There were also many people already seated inside the Zendo. I am standing about, in the back half but more toward the the middle of the group-line. Certainly not easily accessible from the end. The entourage was headed toward their entrance of the building. The person in the middle suddenly stops. She has bright blue eyes and is smiling, the person in the colorful robes turns toward the center of the group-line and walks right up to me, embraces me in a hug and says, “You made it! Glad to see you’re here.” A Matrix-y type of greeting if I’ve ever seen one for sure. 

I am hugging her back. She is hugging in a strong, sincere way. I am thinking in my head… ’Lady, I think you’re mistaking me for some one else’. I don’t know this woman, She certainly doesn’t know me. Especially from this crowd, gathered on a Santa Fe summer evening. A crowd who clearly knows WHY they are there. I had no clue why I was there. I just couldn't be where I was at so I had go somewhere, be somewhere else. 

BOOM! There I was. Standing with some fancy-robed ol’ lady hugging me. Just me. No one else. After the hug she - and her entourage - headed into the small door that took them to their Zendo entrance point. No doubt, I most certainly was somewhere else. 

    It was an interesting month of my life. Many many lessons learned. The first and foremost… let's just say that before that experience, way before and often, I expressed that I hate talking to people. If I lost the ability to speak that would be ok by me because then I wouldn't have to talk to people. Entering the compound of Upaya at the start of a month long silent retreat was a huge fuckin wake up call. One that when I reflect on it, I can't help but smile. I couldn't talk to anybody. Nobody was talking to me. No biggie. Unless I needed to know something. 

    On the 3rd day a roommate and I realized that neither one of us was there for Ango, so on the times we weren’t in the meditation hall we could talk to each other!!  IT WAS AWESOME! Kinda like POWs that communicate incognito. Except we weren’t P anything, much less of O.W. We talked for the few days she was there. Then she was gone. People came and left all the time You could come to Ango for the month or for a week at time. In fact, this is normal pretty much all the time. For the time my roommate was there, she and I would get ‘scolded’ silently by one of the priests for whispering and chuckling quietly at breakfast or lunch. Soon the priest (priest was her title) would come sit right by us each time to keep us quiet. Kinda like a dormitory Catholic school would be, I imagine. 

    One evening I was doing dishes. I always did dishes. One of the other hopes I had when I set out for this adventure was to not get stuck in the kitchen. Well, guess what. The universe has a sense of humor that is only funny to it. It's a lesson to you. Anyway, doing dishes…. Tempa Lama was assigned to help, so he was standing next to me getting a bin ready. “Where’s the soap?” he asks me in a whisper. ‘Right down there.” I replied pointing to a cupboard shelf on his right. With that, I got a ‘Shushing” from the priest who decided I was always causing commotion. "He asked me a question!!" I whispered in backtalk as quietly as possible. He speaks to me asking a question, I answer and I get in trouble?!

Wait it gets better. 

    We were rolling along doing dishes just fine. Tempa goes to shift a bin from one sink to the other and it slips out of his hands and and falls straight back down landing perfectly, splashing a volcano of water up onto him.  

    SHIT” he says not in a whisper but not yelling. My eyes got big. Monks cuss?! Then I looked at my PO to see if Tempa was going to get chewed out for cussing AND BEING LOUD! Pretty sure I had the oh-shit-you-really-gonna-get-it look on my face” Serious offense right?

Nope. Nothing. 

Tempa did not get shushed the way I did. 

    There was a lot of laughter, a lot of deep discussion and more than a ton of learning that first trip. There was also a lot of crying. I would break down and just start bawling for no reason. No reason known to me or that I could figure out at the time. Yeah, even tho there was no talking, when necessary there was compassion in any form necessary when needed at that moment. And moments are fluid. 

    Roshi Joan Halifax is an incredible, amazing woman. Her whole being, her past, her education, her experiences, her teaching. Her activism and her being the woman that is wholly her. Unapologetically. All of it. Amazing. 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells. 

    Following your instincts and taking a leap of faith can be a scary thing. Where there is a will, there’s a way… just make sure you understand why the will. Because what you think (or don't think) will not be what you get. Learn anyway. 

    Many adventures. Misplacement and hitching a ride. Attending the Santa Fe Opera. OMGWOW!! Getting to drive residence out to dinner one evening because no one else knew how to drive stick shift. Sneaking a drink of coffee as if it were an illegal substance and not allowed. Teaching Tempa how to drive stick shift in the worst car possible. Watching young adults stand back in awe at seeing ‘real monks’.  And meeting so, so many people from all over the world. 

Upaya. And Roshi Joan Halifax was the launch pad and the cognizance of my place at that time when I needed it most. To all of it… much gratitude.