To be or not to be. Do or Do not.

Warrior is a word I am not especially fond of. It gets used way too often for everything from surviving a hangnail to getting through the work week and making it to Friday. There are those who truly are warriors, we know them. There are also many great words of wisdom and sentiment about warriorship. This is one of those and I thought I'd expound on it. 

No one is born a warrior • I do believe though, that one is born with traits that enable one to have what it takes to become a warrior. But life also can have a way of shaping one into a warrior, if necessary, depending on various factors including resolve, tenacity and grit.

You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated • Sit down! Don't cause problems. Just do what you're told. Sometimes it is easier to just comply. Sometimes not, depending. Once when I was a few years into my present employment, I was asked to cover a class. I am not qualified to sub so I declined. The admin strongly urged me to do it but I maintained steadfast that I would not. He had no other choice but to figure out another option for his dilemma. With the discussion done, I started down the hall back to my work area. The secretary chased me down and insisted that I should not even think of telling an admin no. "Don't make waves" she said. It really made her uneasy. Oh well. 
To have the chutzpah to stand when they all want you to remain seated may be warrior-like somehow, I guess. My thought process at the time was not to be put in a position that I was not certified to do. If anything happed I would be up shit creek. Legally he could not make me do this and we both knew it. Knowledge can really be a great equalizer. The more you know the more you can back your stand. 

You choose to be one when you refuse to back down • Again, backing down depends on many factors. Is it worth it? How significant is it for you to come out on top? Fighting over which movie to go to... is it really that important? Or do you just give in and watch the movie your buddy want to see because it is about spending time together and not really the movie? 
So, another story. I was waiting alone at Sears one November to pick up family photos (this was like 30 years ago, Sears use to do photos). A big, rough, mean-looking dude was threatening to beat one of his girlfriend's very young kids. There were 4 really small ones, from toddler to about age 5 or so. He stood up and took off his belt. I spoke up and the only thing I could think of to say was, "Sir, I'm not going to just stand here and let you use that belt on those kids." Of course the adults didn't not like my interference and let me know in no uncertain terms. Now, I had no plan and no idea what I would do, but still I could not back down. The kids were just being little kids, singing and climbing off and on their chairs. Nothing so horrendous that constituted a beating from this guy with a belt, not that anything would. But confronting him was the one of the scariest things I've ever done. This put me in a position to watch my back for several years afterward. 
The actions and reactions we choose to take will always have results. Even if that result puts us in a position to keep our guard up for a long time after. Or the result can cause us to loose friendships or family.

Standing up after getting knocked down •  With this one there isn't a 'depends' option. There is no other option than to get back up. It may take time. It will hurt like hell, like your guts have been ripped out. Like there could never be sunshine and happiness ever again. More tears and sorrow than you ever thought possible, but you have to get up and get through. 

Every. Single. Time. 

No matter what. 

Not all scars are visible. 

That. Is. A. True. Warrior. 

Using the terminology 'warrior' means different things to everyone. I chose the word to use in the name of my business, Subtle Warrior. Even though it is overused for irrelevant shit, it still has meaning. I wrote about why I chose the name Subtle Warrior. You can read about it here.

People are born but some are endowed with something... character, disposition, nature...whatever- that places them in an unusual position to be kinda elite in many ways. 

Or just maybe all those traits aren't part of it at all. Maybe, just maybe, they just do what they do because it's the right thing to do.

For whatever reason. 

White Yellow Orange Red Black

In the self defense field, many people talk about or use the ‘Cooper’s Color Code’ method of classifying stages of awareness. I have had conversations with people who advocate it and there were a few that had their own color codes of sorts to teach awareness with their self defense course. 

With that, many years ago I once had someone from a completely different area code call me. He drilled me about the self defense I taught, as in what style and if I employed Cooper’s color code in my instruction. I said no I didn’t. He of course reprimanded me for not doing so. The self defense I taught what not complete nor correct without the color code. Now this guy didn’t know anything about me. I am sure he got my number off the website. However, he was not even located anywhere near the region I live or teach. I don’t know why he felt it so important to make sure I was teaching Women's self defense the way he thought I should. 

Basically the color codes give an illustration of the level of awareness one would be in at different times. White illustrated being in an oblivious state, like spacing out or daydreaming. Not paying attention to anything at all. 

Yellow is where you’d be relaxed but aware, generally paying attention.

Orange is when something specific has been noticed and now you're on alert. If it turns out to be nothing, then you go back down to yellow. If it’s more serious, then you go to condition- -

Red. High alert. Shit’s going down, it's the so called ‘fight or flight’ stage. 

Black is all out panic, nothing productive happening because of the panic. You never want to be in this state.

Neither do you want to be in condition red constantly either. Some people are. 

One instructor I met had a different method. Simply green, yellow or red as way for him to illustrate the various levels of awareness. Which seemed a bit more logical for his particular program. As for me, that wasn’t the direction my program went. 

To live your best life you can’t live at one extreme or the other. Life is not binary, either/or. If we become more knowledgable about what to see and how to recognize things developing, then hopefully we can make some choices before it's too late. 

More than Cooper’s color codes, learning where violence comes from, spotting what kind it may be and understanding the factors involved, will help much more than having a colorful way of discerning where your awareness level lies or should be. Now, just because the color codes aren’t my thing, doesn’t mean they don’t have value. If you’re interested, you research it, there is lots of stuff out there about it. 

My allure is toward knowledge and comprehension. Disguising such levels with rainbows  doesn’t do much. Explaining how come the prism creates the colors provides one with the understanding of why. As an example, if your level is Orange there is quite a bit background as to why something put you on alert. Who, what, why, when, how did it all get your attention and how do you articulate it? 

The who, what, why, when, and how is a big part of self defense and a bit part of what women experience. Something sets off our spidey senses for some reason, the ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but somethings not right’ feeling. The skill set sometimes referred to as alpha skills, which involve awareness, avoidance E/E and communications and the delta skills, which are a transitioning point with behavior clusters and boundary setting help us prepare in case things go physical. 

The color code I most prefer is this one:

Shifting a Paradigm

Recently I got to do some training in June and July. Training really isn't the right word in my opinion. Training brings to mind physical exertion. Yeah, sure there's some physical exercises practiced, but it so much more educational than that. 

The program I went to in June was the one I had been eagerly anticipating. 500 Rising is the beginning of a paradigm shift. I am so thrilled to be in on it from the get go. Having lived a life of more than 5 decades, 4 of them in the martial arts world and 16 of those specializing in women's personal defense. I knew there was something brewing in this industry and I am fortunate enough to be among movers and shakers that will stand and deliver. 

If you've read previous posts you know that 'martial art is not self' defense is stated more than once. Rory's got a saying, "You don't have to justify martial arts. You do have to justify self defense." Along with that, martial arts defense techniques are task-oriented if 'A' then 'B' maneuvers give easy answers to unrealistic problems.

What do I mean? Well, most skills taught are for stranger attacks. The person you don't know that comes out from the so called dark alley or from the bushes, so to speak. But 85% of the attacks come from someone the target knows, not a stranger. Yes, those stranger attacks happen, but chances are that you'll have to defend against a person you know. That's the reality problem that instructors who teach self defense won't address. Why? Because it's not easy. It  is the reality and there are no simple 'A then B' answers. Reactions and responses must to be goal-oriented. This is hard to teach in a martial arts arena where testing and rank are determined by how well you can replicate what the instructor wants to see. 

To get an endorsement for the Instructional Foundations for Women's Self Defense with 500 Rising I had to submit letters of recommendation. Pretty sure I am the only one that got one from a Buddhist Zen master. She was one of the first people I shared my want to educate women about personal defense. It was at her monastery that I came to that realization. 😊

There was also a lot of reading involved. One book, Sapiens, I had on audio and already listened to it twice. My kinda nerd reading. Most of the reading list had already been done a long time ago. There is much to know to be able to give the source of the whats and whys because that is what educators do. We research to give the most accurate information possible. 

Seriously, understanding how and why violence happens is a huge part of educating others on what to expect. Not only from the assailant but from themselves. So after many many hours of pre-class material online before our in class days, three intense days about 9 hours each, we graduated as the first class.

A couple of weeks after the 500 Rising Rory Miller was in Boise doing the very first presentation of his Situational Awareness class. He asked me to present the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs section. We use it as a model to show where conflict and violence comes from and how it differs. I started learning from Rory in October 2010, he has taught this concept several times a month every year since. So, I had the opportunity to present. In front of him and several cool people at the seminar. It was fun, and exhilarating. (scary too, but that was just my monkey mind freakin' me out)  When all was said and done, I felt good about how it went.

So with these past few weeks of meeting up with amazing people, creating another network of colleagues working toward shifting a paradigm and experiencing a real burst of joy of presenting to others, the time has come for me to up my presentations. Looking forward to putting together my visuals and advancing my presentation skills. 

So, enough of writing this and on to working on a presentation. 

Life's Adventure

It's been a quite a while since the last post. I had been working on one to publish, doing research and such. It's pretty much done, however, I decided, 'Nope.... not going to do it." It was titled, "Sick. Sick Sick" as in 'I am so tired of all this Covid 19/Corona virus crap'. As I am sure we all are. In fact, that is probably the only boat we are all in together. Hanging over the edge being sick. Sick. Sick. Of. It. All.

I did some research on things like the number of deaths per year, stuff like that. The information on the virus changes daily, or at least the information the media feeds us. I trust none of the information given. I also am not freaked out from this pandemic. I can't say I buy all the hype about how we all are going to die if we get it. That is bullshit, and way too many people are panicked. Panicked people are not fun.
This whole experience of this has certainly been interesting. Not completely unpleasant but certainly not enjoyable either.
  I have a job I absolutely love, mingling with young adults every day. Some days with the kids are better than other days, all depending on what is happening in their lives and in the world at the moment. I work at a very small school, so knowing the individual students is the norm. The one goal I have each day is to make sure my classroom is consistent. Consistent in set up, consistent in attitude and energy. That consistency brings a sense of safety and trust. The other daily goal is to make the kids laugh or at least smile everyday. The kids are the reason to get up everyday. The structure of the day keeps me sane, and sometimes stressed, but mostly stable in knowing who, what, when, where, why, how, etc. This inconclusive, unstable, precarious times of ours right now sucks. It's Bullshit.

I have a saying, "Everyday is an adventure, whether you want it to be or not." Many many days are mundane with the same ol' same ol'. Sometimes the mundane takes a sharp left turn and you find yourself in the middle of mayhem or a commotion that may not have been anticipated. Those are really the fun times, problem solving, keeping it together and getting through. Then there are those days that start out in a chaotic sprint from the get go.

No matter the day, it is an adventure... sometimes in unexpected ways, and sometime in ways we'd rather not experience, but an adventure none the less. This whole pandemic has been one of those times. And it looks to be an ongoing 'adventure' for quite some time to come. Good, bad or indifferent, there will be thrills and excitement along with misery and despair. No matter what, the days keep on keeping on and the people keep on peopling on. Some with more sense than others, but oh, well, live and let live.

So in this, approaching of start of the 3rd month of a pandemic, with the help of friends, and internet communications I think I am holding out ok. I cant wait to go to a movie again. The first thing I am going to order in the restaurant I can go into for a meal will be breakfast! And the wish to have been able to spend the last month in school making memories with the students going off into their lives is not going to happen. There is a loss, a grief there with that. But I'll get over it.

The one thing I look most forward to is getting together with all those people I train with a few times a year. I can wait to see them all again. It's not like we get to hang out a lot anyway, but the next time is going to be exceptional.

Perpetually Waiting

 
After the laundry is taken care of and the dishes are done, Sunday evening waiting for Monday morning.
It's like Christmas Eve laying in anticipation for the morning squeals and joy.
It's like December 31 at home waiting for the moment at midnight when it's officially the new year.


Waiting.
Perpetually waiting.
Sitting in a permanent waiting room where no assistant will call you next.


Waiting at the light that doesn't change.
Waiting in the drive through line for the coffee you'll never get.
Waiting for the results you don't know if you want to know about.

Waiting on the phone. 
On hold.

Perpetually waiting.

The days fade from one to the next.
Some things to do.
Something could be done, left undone.
Other things finally achieved!

Waiting to go back to the pool to swim lap after lap all alone.
Waiting for the day we can go back to a job loved.
Waiting to go back to the days of conversations with colleagues.

Waiting to witness the aftermath. 

Perpetually waiting.

Trying Times Ramblings

Here's the thing, the times are a tryin' these days. Aren't they?

Depending on your Belief System, you may think it's the end of days. 

If you have a Belief System (bs for short) you probably do think it is the end of the world.
Because that is what a loving god does, punish.

At this time, we are all dealing with a national quarantine. Covid19 has locked the country down. Also, around here, Northeastern Nevada, the weather has been really shitty. Today, April 1st has been snowing pretty much all day. All other days have been overcast, windy and cold. The wind was so strong yesterday that when there happen to be an earthquake, it's cool wave-like motion through the house really felt as if it was the wind was seriously blowing the house side to side. However, when the wave motion continued and the indoor Buddha bells were ringing because of the sway, there was no question. Yep, earthquake.

So I suppose if one has any particular belief system, it could be inferred that one should be worried that the 'higher being' is throwing down his wrath. Especially if you feel as if maybe you haven't been living your life as 'he' would want. Self judgement based on the imposed judgements of others. To fear that things are completely 'out of your control' is the greatest fallacy. 

Things were never in your control. It's always an illusion to think so. Except for emotion and reaction. Those can be in your control. The more informed you are, the more armed with facts, the easier it is to decipher the emotions.

I don't believe in a 'god' specifically, I believe in the Universe. The universe has been and always will be. It is truly amazing. I do have a deep faith. I think its very important to have faith. Back when our world was the ordinary every single day standard; until March 15 (we should have bewared the ides of March, aye) I would get up with the same routine everyday.

From the time I woke and started the day, my thought would be toward the day. "Just another day. What will the day bring." I'd step out my front door on my way to the workplace, take a big long inhale to smell the morning air. It's the best. Looking around the neighborhoods I pass along the way and think about the people, the years of doing the same route. I often contemplate the sheer vastness of the universe. We are this speck of a Goldilocks plant with human organisms surviving all by matter of chance. We are nothing in comparison to everything else in space...

All through the day, I check in with how nice it is to have a routine; yet at any moment fully aware that that routine could easily be blown to smithereens. Anything could happen, someone collapsing in my classroom, a chemical spill on at the railroad tracks down town, meteorite lading on the building. A car bomb in the parking lot, an epileptic seizure or someone choking on a piece of candy... anything. Would I be ready to respond to that moment? 

Well, lookie here, we are in that moment! Routine interrupted. What an adventure. Not happy, but grateful. Like everyone else, I miss my routine. But like a small few, I am ready for the upheaval, because that is what the Universe does. How awesome:) Mankind has survived everything that has ever plagued 'em, we will get through this as well. It most certainly will be devastating, more so for some than others. To say it will either make ya, or break ya may sound callous, but I think it is the truth.

When you feel as if you are breaking, check in with yourself. Breathe. Make sure you aren't contributing to your break by adding substances that cloud your rational. Be sober, check the facts, and reach out to friends. Friends that are steadfast and will call you on your bull.  

It is a trying time for us all. Challenges are always good to go through. Nothing tests the mettle like a good challenge. Yet, this one... this one seems like a challenge to test all challenges. Some days are worse than others, emotionally and psychologically. But if you have a roof over your head and are not starving because rations have been minuscule, then you are in a good place. If you get sick, the chances of survival are extraordinarily high. More people have survived than died so far. Try not to get stuck in the negative doomsday numbers the media puts out there. If it is a really rough day, call someone, reach out, talk. Simply posting on your timeline 'Hey, give me a call" will bring positive results. 

Friends and family are the best thing we have going for us during these trying times. Keep in touch with them more than usual.

For now the new normal.... Indefinitely.

Lock down, Quarantined, Self Isolation, Seclusion, Sequestered, House Arrest...
For now the new normal.... Indefinitely.



One of the most advantageous qualities anyone could have in any situation is adaptability. Adaptability, I think is a learned trait/skill/quality. If one is never allowed to face adversity or challenges in which they must problem-solve on their own, then how would they ever learn how to adapt.

If a person's situations and circumstances are always taken care of by someone else, there is no way to learn how to adapt. I think this creates weak links in society. Personally, I love seeing kids come up with solutions, "I didn't have this so I used that and made it work!" or when they say, "I had to figure out how to..." and they do. I also have seen just as many say, "I don't know how, it won't let me." and give up. Not looking for a way around the challenge. They're good with others telling them what to do or letting other do for them, as they don't really know how to 'do' anyway. Not always, but often the product of the so called 'helicopter' or 'lawnmower' parent.


This isolation that Covid-19 has caused is annoying. Not that I mind not seeing other humans. However, I am not one who uses free time well. I am one that need a specific place to be at a designated time everyday, I need a consistent schedule that answers to others. This was discovered a few years ago during summer break, which led me to the realization that I could never retire. Good thing I really, really like my job.

So, adaptability... we all have been through trials that have forced us to adapt in one way or another. When my father was diagnosed with ALS, adaptation was necessary. Work schedule, physical work load, emotional and psychological acceptance and responsibility all needed to become adaptable, for any given day.


Other life challenges create moments to implement adaptability. One of the things Phil, my first self defense instructor says is, "He who adapts, survives."

Malcolm, has what he calls 'everyday reps', meaning that everyday, we have a chance to practice self protection, personal defense. Not necessarily the physical, more often all the other areas of keeping safe, like noticing things happening around you and taking action to keep safe, or paying your intuition and noting what it's trying to tell you. Things like that, among others.

This new normal, for now - indefinitely, gives us vast opportunities to practice adaptation, its all about the attitude. 

"Life's an adventure, whether you want it to be or not."

Being prepared for the unexpected is a superpower.

Having skills and resources to be able to respond to things is challenging to some and just second nature to others. Much of it is attitude. "The difference between an adventure and an ordeal is attitude." I would rather hang out with those who are problem solvers and can jump into a situation with resources. 

Having had opportunity to hang with disorganized people who have a difficult time shifting from their normal jumbled, haphazard self into the metaphorical shit's-hit-the-fan moment, is not fun. Those people make other people's lives not only more challenging, but dangerous.

Even if one feels they are only 'slightly' disorganized and think they're truly prepared, it is in that shift where there's a moment of befuddlement. That is called the gap. Lives are lost in the gaps. The resources to maneuver through the day and recognize a possibility of a situation or knowing that the situation is going down is important to have.

How does one acquire such resources? I think that for some it is an artifact from childhood. At least it is for me. My childhood hero was always prepared and always prevailed no matter what the hour threw at him. I emulated him and had stuff stashed in my pockets, in my shoes, on my person and bike that may be useful or handy for whatever may happen during that day. Needless to say, I carried a lot of shit. Bolts, washers, string, rope, pocket knife, all kinds of metal, plastic, and wooden doo-hickies, and odd and ends in case making a trade for other different stuff was necessary.

I think others who realize the necessity to build a resource of knowledge seek out the information and learn to adapt. Sometimes it's through opportunity, sometimes it comes from experience. And then there are those resources we may have that we don't even consider to be a resource. I have spent time in a place where, one day as I was washing dishes as part of my work at the place, somebody came up to me and asked if I knew how to drive a stick shift. Just out of the blue, didn't know my name or anything about me, nor I him. I answered, 'Yes, I do' and then he just walked away. Weird.

The next day, he again approached and said, 'Several of us would like to go into town to eat one evening, but none of us can drive a stick shift, and the only vehicle available is a stick. Could you drive us?' BOOM!! Adventure at hand, driving an overly-packed extended cab Ranger, full of fellow residence, and a monk from Tibet to a restaurant in Santa Fe. I got a free dinner and had an experience that resulted only because of the resource I was able to offer.

I don't live in a dangerous area. I live in an area that is so small and rural, we don't even have a traffic light anywhere in town. There are some paved road and not many sidewalks... so living on the edge of danger is not an everyday occurrence where I am. I know others who's neighborhoods often have the sound of gun fire. And there are other friends who live smack in the middle of skid row. Each of us adapt to our surroundings, and also have resources - innate or learned - that keep them more safe and ready to respond to what ever they may face.

It is with simple things, that test our mettle and resources, like running into a traffic jam on the route you usually take. Do you know the area well enough to have back up routes? Do you have a window of time that the delay won't cause much chaos. Do you have a good book or music to listen to? How about when you are parked in a parking lot and something odd has caught your attention, are you in a position to be able to leave the area quickly or do you have to back up and maneuver around other vehicles to get away? How about when coffee is spilled all over your white shirt. Do you have a spare shirt in your backpack?

I have whittled down many of the items I use to carry with me as a kid. I don't usually trade stuff with others anymore. The string and rope are now just one long piece of paracord. I don't leave my house without my pocketknife and the newest everyday carry edition is a flashlight, small enough for my pocket, but long enough to damage if necessary. And then in the daypack, a first aid kit, a bigger flashlight, a tourniquet and other things that may be necessary at any given moment. Ok, maybe not whittled down from the amount of stuff I carried as a kid, but changed out to more realistic necessities. Guess that might be called 'adulting, no?

Take innovatory of your resources, and think about those things you have to offer that you may not even consider as such... forging signatures or working a sewing machine (resources I may or may not have had to offer at some point in time). We all have something that we can do or offer up.  The more you are capable of doing or giving, the better your circumstances.

Subtle Warrior - the history begins

Way back in 2000, when I stepped away from a "Traditional/Classical" martial art that I had been a part of for 18 years, I had no idea where my path would lead. All I knew was that I was done with the arts. What good was it if 'it' it didn't keep me safe enough when I needed to defend?

That perspective was wrong. 'It' wasn't what failed in my defense. The instructor failed. Like many others in the "Traditional/Classical" arts, they are the all-knowing... 'This way and ONLY this way'. I followed blindly. All the physical stuff was great, many skills were incorporated into all that physical. In fact, it was all those skills that opened soooo many doors for me. For that alone, I can never be grateful enough. So even though I had no idea where my path would take me, the training and the skills set acquired over those 18 years has opened doors from one coast to the other, and border to border to train with some incredible people. 

My path, right after I left the arts, brought me to Upaya Zen Center. A Buddhist Monastery.  Unbelievable. One of the summers there I was required to attend a Women's Retreat where I met some incredible people. I think of them often still to this day. It is from that retreat I decided I wanted to teach women how to defend. I knew the 'martial art' I had learned was not the way to go about it, but I did not know anything more than that. 

Long story shorter... I found myself in North Carolina getting a certification with the Modern Warrior(c) crew at a Women's Self Defense Conference. They got me going in the right direction and relayed to me the vital particulars that I was ignorant of. After that first seminar, I had a direction I wanted to go and a rough draft of a map. Coming up with a name for my 'business' was a long process. 

In 2004 the name came to me: Subtle Warrior. 

  subtle   |ˈsətl|   adjective    (esp. of a change or distinction) so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe: his    language expresses rich and subtle meanings.        • (of a mixture or effect) delicately complex and understated:subtle lighting.        • making use of clever and indirect methods to achieve something: he tried a more subtle    approach.        • capable of making fine distinctions: a subtle mind.        • arranged in an ingenious and elaborate way.        • archaic crafty; cunning.

I felt this moniker for my business was fitting for what my goals were. Woman are true warriors. How many women do we know who are so strong and resilient, who have overcome some amazing obstacles and constantly understate their grit. They are Subtle Warriors. 

For each of us who carry loads and burdens that others cannot see; who go fourth and present ourselves as consistent and relentless in our everyday interactions for the sake of others. Presenting a steady, stable environment so that others may know there is, and can be, a place of stability. Which gives a sense of hope and calm. 

The violence we face as humanity is not new. And there are places that are worse than others, evils that cannot be grasped, unless you've been there. Even knowing someone who has been there, doesn't offer the reality of it. Be thankful for that. I have met and trained with some very dangerous, interesting people and the information was profoundly disturbing. 

The Subtle Warrior is anyone who knows challenges; who goes about their days doing what has to be done despite of the battles they face internally and elsewhere in their lives. The caregiver that goes to the store or to church and is pleasant and lighthearted to others. The woman whose just found out she has a cancer battle to fight, and yet goes to work and maintains the usual schedule, for the sake of consistency. How about the parent who struggles with doing the best she can, keeping a positive attitude when the world seem to be adamant at keeping her down. Then there's all the ladies of all ages who feel 'judged', 'inadequate', 'stupid', 'fat', 'ugly', 'not good enough'... or whatever else their 'self' constantly whispers within. All warriors. Subtly going through their conflicts, their scrimmages, their day to day struggles, non-stop. Everyday. 

The Subtle Warrior is all women, all ladies of all ages, we know the fight so well, so intimately that many time we are not even aware of how fierce we fight it.  💖

What Don't You Know?

I want to know all I can about personal safety, more than just how to defend against an assailant. The want to know about real 'self' defending came, as with many karate-ka or martial artists, after an assault. 

As a black belt in a system whose training was very 'ol' school'. We were full contact, used no protective pads, and did all training, throws, and falls on concrete. We knew we were tough; tougher than any other martial artists, of course. Arrogance was a part of my person as well - probably just the arrogance of young ignorance. I knew I was fully prepared to defend against an attack from that bad guy coming from the dark alley way.

I was sold a façade. It's not the many techniques, physical skills or toughness that will be the golden ticket, the silver bullet, or wooden stake in defending. 

Throughout my martial art training, I always wondered how will I know which one of the 150+ technique use when I am attacked? Whenever I asked, the answer was always, "You'll just know". Like most karate/martial arts schools, the techniques were practiced in a static way. Two people face each other, a step or two away from one another. One executes the 'attack'; either a punch of some sort or a grab or maybe even a gun or knife. Always expected, always face-to-face from a 'fighting' stance.

This is not how attacks happen. This is certainly not how my assault occurred. 

So after my experience, I walked away from the traditional, classical, patriarchal, militaristic martial art that I had trained in for 18 years. I felt it failed me. There were very, very vital elements of personal defense that were missing from the training. But who knew?

That was 16 years ago. 

I had no idea what those 'missing' elements even were or that they were for real. How does one go about 'finding' something not known?

Twelve years ago I learned of those missing elements with the discovery of an instructor who filled in the blanks. In his school, above the entrance, Phil has a sign posted: "For Those Who Are Seeking". Pretty ironic, I thought. Especially considering where his school is located in relation to where I lived. What are the chances!?

Six years ago, I came across even more in-depth awareness and consciousness about those very elements. All because I touched base with the guy who wrote, Meditations on Violence, A Comparison of Martial Arts Training an Real World Violence. This book validated what I thought I had experienced. It felt good that someone understood. And still, I keep finding myself in the presence of knowledgeable and experienced people, learning amazing and sometimes disturbing insights from them. Little ol' me from the middle of nowhere!

The saying 'you dont know what you dont know' and the scripted, static, 'tab-A-into-slot-B' self defense taught in martial art schools are not whole. It's a façade. It looks cool, and feels empowering, but it is not whole, it's not in it's entirety. But who would know? 

I want to be as prepared as possible. It's more than the physical, it's the emotional, the psychological, the intangibles, the before and the after. I want to know how to see what to see; pre-incident indicators and I want to know the realities of 'threat recognition'. This is why I go train. This is why I have the network of people that I go to to learn from.

Those who prepare and train themselves for the possibility of violence will react differently than those who do not. ~Left of Bang, p.189 

I want to be as prepared as I can possibly be. This means educating myself, along with others, to be prepared for the possibility of violence. Yet I am fully aware that there is more that I dont know. 

What is it? What dont' you know?  

No Hope. & No Quitting.

In light of all the 'violence' that is rampant in the world today, you would think that people would like to learn a bit about being better prepared.

Is there more violence? Or is more social media just embellishing how often and how much of it there really is. Humans are the scum of the earth and we relish in other's misery and suffering. Often we like to inflict it ourselves. We would rather blindly follow the foul-tempered windbag that sound confident -or maybe just loudest- who is good at instigating shit, than actually standing up for the dignity of others. 'Tell us what to think, but don't you dare teach us how to think, or worse yet, teach how to - do'.  What happens when you get a community, a nation, full of people who don't know how to think for themselves; who do not know how to 'do' stuff, like sew, cook, read, converse, discuss, learn, care. 

Is there more violence? Or maybe it is just that there are way too many people. Too many humans on the planet. There is only a limited amount of resources available. And at this point we are at the most consumable, throw-away society ever along with begin at the most populated earth ever. Resources consumed, overcrowded congestion... too many people equals more violence. 

Even if it is over-population that helps add to the violence and the all-around social media frenzy of violence feeding... the bottom line is that generally, those who say they want to be better prepared don't even know what to prepare for? Zombies, maybe?

How many times have I heard, "I want to learn, please set up a training." So, I go thru the process of scheduling a date, finding a facility, and getting the word out. Only to have the scheduled training date approach and low and behold, who is NOT present... the one who requested training to begin with. 

Have had even more confirm 'Yep, I gonna do this, I'll be there" and then just before the date.. 'oh, something came up, will do it next time, keep me on the mailing list.' or 'Oh, I've wanted to train with you for years! Can't this time.. again, tho. Keep me informed of future ones." 

I go to my own trainings not only because the people I learn from are genuinely experienced with defense, violence and survival, but because those that also attend get me. The last one came to about $1,200, which was a pretty good price. I stay at scummy hotels and usually skip a meal or two. I go because I want to learn. I go because it is the kind of people that I am most comfortable around. I go because when I am with my training buddies and learning from the instructors, I don't feel like such a freak. Like the sheep dog always on the outskirts of the crowd of sheep that don't really want much to do with me, other than maybe a couple of civil words of greeting and surface conversation, if even that. 

Nothing is more frustrating than having something so valuable to offer, people saying they have concerns and want to learn, but then it always gets put on the back burner. I understand that life happens. I understand emergencies come up, but every damn time?!

I.  Quit.  I quit.  I quit putting my 'teaching' out there for all these people who aren't showing up. I quit the format that obviously does not work. Since no one attended with the current method in which I offer seminars/classes, I am fully capable of adapting. The worse that can happen is the same ol' shit... nothing. The best thing that can happen is that the person looking back at me from the mirror wont be a quitter. I literally can't just walk away from this. Even if I wanted to. Thus, a re-designing of the approach to putting my classes out there. 

So many friends offered their understanding. All of which, know precisely, my frustration. They all offered much needed support and great suggestions. I don't know what I would do without my friends. Wished I lived closer to all of you, but obviously that would be literally everywhere. :)  Good thing there's Facebook.

So, in light of the last frustration melt-down. I am not closing the business. I am not quitting entirely, but rather, readjusting the approach. 

Red Pill - Knowledge Taken In

You know the movie 'The Matrix', when Neo is given a choice. Morpheus offers Neo one of two pills. One pill was red and the other was blue. If Neo chose the blue pill, he would return to the world he had always known, nothing would change, his life would be as it had always been.

If Neo chose the red pill, he would be drawn into a world that was beyond imagination. Surreal, beyond plausible and one that Neo would have to adjust to in a rather quick and bizarre way from the get go.

If he chose the red pill, he would not be able to 'un-choose'

How many times in our lives do we wish we could 'un-choose'? Not even a 'do-over' just a plain ol' 'un-choose'... an option to not have ever made that choice to begin with?  Many, many years ago, I was siting around a campfire with Kelly. It was our last campout and we talked about a lot of things. One of the questions she asked was what would I have done different? The conversation took place 11 years ago on July 2. 

My answer at that time was 'nothing'. I would not have changed anything about my life and the choices made, because it all had brought me to the point I was at then. I liked who I was. I still do. My answer today would be the same. I often re-visit that specific conversation I had with Kelly. More often as a gage as to where I am at with myself. And if she would be proud. 

So, what has this to do with the red pill? Stepping onto the floor of a martial arts school is easy, in the fact that it is a physical commitment. Week in and week out, working your body, and learning new stuff, moving in ways that may be challenging, and unfamiliar. Just following commands and becoming stronger. I enjoyed my time in the traditional martial arts tremendously. There are many , many things that I experienced with it, that I cannot believe I did. 

But when I chose to walk away from the traditional martial arts and dive into the Self Defense aspect of it all, I was unaware of the 'Red Pill' world I was entering. Maybe it's that way for every person who has had an experience with assault or violence. If they've trained in a 'fighting' art, the experience disturbs  the ideology of their learned 'skills'.  I don't know. 

My first experience with learning about teaching self defense to women was with Phil Messina of Modern Warrior©. Phil is a retired NY PD who has had over 1,000 felony arrests. He volunteered for the one of the first decoy units NY had many years ago. He knows violence, he has had his share of experience with it. He was a great person to begin my Self Defense journey with. I still go and train with him whenever I can, and it is always an honor. 

As I honed my skills at presenting personal defense information, I continued to learn as much as I could. Then after reading "Meditations On Violence: A Comparison of Martial Arts Training and Real World Violence" I found another person to train with, Rory Miller. Rory added more information to add to what I already had, and he also presented a shit load more. When I go train with him, I am introduced to more personal defense people, opening more opportunities to gain more knowledge. Sometimes, as I drive the long hours home, I wonder..

Trying to educate the area about self defense, and all its aspects, is challenging. One of the obstacles I feel I face is that so many people sincerely feel that karate, martial arts, the fighting arts IS self defense. Or that some think it can be fully comprehend self defense in a short workshop or seminar. A good workshop or seminar can certainly open recognition and provide some perception.

The further I pursue learning about personal defense stuff: self defense law, threat assessment,violence dynamics, environmental awareness, criminal methodology, the more I wonder about that red pill. I know that the traditional martial art I trained in failed to educate me about the whole spectrum of self defense. Important details that would have armed me well enough, prepared me well enough to have stopped the assault before it got physical.

The main focus of almost all karate/martial arts classes cover in their 'self defense' segments is the physical. The physical fight, as if it is a fight, a competition, rather than the true ambush of terror it is.   Self defenses is about keeping safe, not being present if the shit hits the fan by figuring out how to escape and evade, or deter the violence. Recognizing predatory cues, and the kind of predator presenting them, and what it is, how it is, exactly to be 'aware' of. And most importantly what you, the individual is capable of doing in her own defense.

Denial is not a very good strategy of personal defense. Being prepared helps one live a little less paranoid, giving options and information give one a bit of freedom. Depend on yourself to defend yourself, because only you will be the one in the eye of the storm, preparation will help better the chances to get you through.

More people should opt for the red pill when it comes to their personal safety. Be Neo. Choose knowledge. Although once taken in, the knowledge cannot be un-learned. 

"It's a dangerous business walking out one's front door..."

I live in a small rural town. Rural, as in, nunya can completely comprehend the real meaning of 'rural'.  You see many rural towns if you drive across Nevada, and this one isn't much different than any other small, rural Nevada towns. There are small rural towns scattered throughout this good ol' U.S of A.

I like it here. There is nothing. Nothing. No medical. No theatre. No stoplight. Hardly any sidewalks. Our grocery store has 12 aisles. But a short 10 to 15 minute drive will get you to the top of a mountain with abundant hiking, fishing and wilderness. That same 10 to 15 minutes will get you to hills with streams and more fishing, or natural hot springs. Its great. Fresh air and very few people.

So when I travel from this middle-of-nowhere town into the great unknown. The adventure is always one that send ripples out that one has no idea what will happen.

As Gandalf says, "It's a dangerous business going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to."

When I left the traditional martial arts system back in '99-2000, I soon found myself at a Buddhist Monastery, hanging out with the likes of Roshi Joan Halifax, and others. It was during some time there that I realized I needed to teach women some personal defense. Put some of my skills out there and start teaching a group, a target audience that I had never taught before. My martial arts students were always guys.

After deciding I was going to teach women self defense, I journeyed across the country to attend my first American Women's Self Defense Association* Seminar. I did so strictly to get the little piece of paper that said I was 'certified' to teach. Woo hoo. What I got was so much more that a certificate. I gained an extraordinary teacher when I met Phil, who I now train with as often as I possibly can.

I also gained many long-time friends, from all over the country. All which have the want of teaching women how to defend as a common bond. But most do other things as well; school teachers, councilors, professors, administrators, law enforcement, writers and more.

I live in a podunk, mud-puddle of a town, with absolutely nothing, but the people I have met along my journey, and the friendships gained, have opened doors beyond here. In fact, because of being swept off, I will be participating in a workshop this weekend that has nothing to do with self defense, specifically. But the opportunity to do so has come about strictly because of the self defense involvement.

So, stepping out my front door, driving for 2.5 miles hours to the nearest international airport, I will venture fourth to cross off a long-desired bucket list item. It is incomprehensible to me. How do I find myself at these places with these people, doing these things? Life is amazing and the windows of opportunity are within reach. But you must be willing to step out the door. Even if you have to do so all by yourself. Because you won't be by yourself for long.

Taking that first step sometimes is the scariest. But the journey, the adventure, no matter what it brings fourth, cannot be experienced any other way.

*as far as I am aware the AWSDA organization I knew has changed, I am no longer a member.

Little Ol' Me

Recently I had the opportunity to train with some really great instructors. A variety of people with an array of backgrounds. And once I started really thinking about the gentlemen that I had trained with, a bit of fear descended... these guys, were and are very, very scary.

What they've witnessed and have been a part of is truly terrifying to think of. Thus, what they teach about is all from first hand experience, rather than information passed down, around and through various teachers about 'how' to defend or what to expect.

Lately, my thought process has been obsessed with "Why am I doing all this Self Defense stuff for anyway?" Not in a self-doubt way, but more in a 'what-is-the-point' way. Then I get to thinking about my journey, and all the information and skills I have had the opportunity to gain throughout the years.  WHY?

I had a conversation with a guy the other day. The exchange started as some do as he asks..."You do marital arts?" My normal response, "I use to." And as usual, the conversation evolved from his asking what style and when did you start.. then... ya' know, I did a semester of something once, too?

Eventually the point came up about why I left the traditional, patriarchal, martial arts to learn about self defense; what it is and what it isn't. As I made a statement about understanding that having to defend means that you have to be able to explain why you had to make that decision. When the threat is no longer a threat, it is no longer self defense.

Obviously the conversation was more detailed, yet quick. From the expression of his face, never before thought of concepts of defending, as is with many, suddenly emerged. Stuff they never could have, or would have considered before.

It is interesting when these kinds of conversations come up with the people from Northeastern Nevada. The sparsely populated area doesn't offer the population density that contributes to the kind of violence training I partake in. Hence, they cannot really realize the in-depth ruthlessness of the people I know and train with. Even when I have the opportunity to explain it, it is difficult to fathom.

Many times I cannot fathom the quality of people I have trained with, either.
Me.
Little ol' no one from no where... [smirk]

Personal Defense - EDUCATION

As a Self Defense instructor I know that what I teach is vital, it MUST be accurate and simple.  Someones life may depend on it.  Teaching Self Defense is not teaching Karate.

My certification is done in New York, from Phil Messina at Modern Warrior Defensive Tactics Institute.  It is where I came to understand how different Self Defense is from traditional karate or martial arts training.  My first certification with Phil was in 2004.  I have a few other certifications from Modern Warrior and I have assisted in the certification process as well.  I have also had the privilege of teaching at "Female Self Defense Week" a few years ago.

I have also travelled to various places in the west to train with Rory Miller. Places like Denver, San Francisco, Oakland, Billings, Reno, San Diego.  Each time was the training was to help me become a better self defense instructor.  To learn more about violence, articulation, force law, and how to prepare for ambush.  It is important to know all the levels of personal defense in order to better inform those I teach.

I make the effort and excursions to continue my own education in order to to present the best, most accurate and informative courses I can.  It is because I know the people I train with have gained their experience in the foxholes of violence and survival.  I know that they are bona fide.  They have dealt with the violent people and have gained knowledge about their specific skills and learned how to execute those skills to keep themselves safer.  These guys realized that they had the opportunity to teach others how to survive and keep safer as well.  No fancy titles, no flashy belts... no ego.  Just sincere want to help others understand what they have learned.

So what is the difference between Self Defense and karate or martial arts?  For my journey, the martial arts gave me strength, endurance, coordination, history, background and a strong foundation.  Being forced to spar eventually got me to conquer my fear of sparing.  That in itself took eight years, thus perseverance was another positive aspect of the martial arts.  The art I was fortunate enough to study was very comprehensive. It included full contact sparring- no protective equipment on concrete, grappling, throws, weaponry and more.  Which was very well rounded for a future I had not anticipated at the time of my relentless training in the traditional art.

Self Defense, or Personal Defense EDUCATION as I prefer to refer to it as, is so much more than the rote movements of a karate/martial arts class.  Its more than the formalities and ritual.  Personal defense begins way before the physical altercation.  It is more emotional and ethical than the traditional martial arts school I was apart of ever taught.  There was no preparation for the psychological aspect of victimization.

When I chose to specialize specifically in women's self defense, it was because I had come to realize that the cognitive aspects and the social taboos that hold us back were apart of many women's lives and experience.  Violence is more than a punch in the face.

How one prepares for the ambush of violence makes a difference in whether she survives and thrives or becomes a victim that forfeits her psyche.  Education will give her a better understanding of what to prepare for, and how to switch the switch from prey to predator.  My mission, in seeking out the best to learn from, train with, is to be able to give those who are not 'karate-ka, martial artists, fighters how to best fight the fight of their lives. Or better yet show her how to see it before it gets to that point; detect and deter, escape and evade; and if necessary, become a force to be recon with if it does go physical.