Journaling/Writing. It's not about you.

I have journaled a lot. There are several journaled books, most have a good chunk of unwritten pages b/c I rarely fill a whole journal before starting a new one. In briefly reading thru some recently, it’s interesting the patterns that emerged. I have truly ‘been there done that’ often. Basically, so much experience, so many stories and reminisces, so many connections of history. 

I'd like to start publishing my thoughts. I wanted to do this before but the blog is for Subtle Warrior. Tho the real reason I haven't published my thoughts is because I always chicken out. Yesterday, I changed the layout of the blog site. Incentive? Motivation?

I feel like I need to an intro to the new blog. Even tho its called Subtle Warrior, its is no longer about training and my journey in the martial arts and Self Defense, but rather it will now be about who I have become and how. 

In a sense it is still about self defense because I am a subtle warrior. How I move through the day seems to always be mindful and perceptive, at least that's what I observe. Self-observation isn't always accurate.

I think I have reached an age that I don't t have to always keep my thoughts to myself. With that, this is my story: my rumination and my thought process.

Not put here for you to judge because if you know me you know I don't care. 

It is very hard to not have 'you' in my head while I write. "How's the audience going to read this?"  

I must keep this one thing in mind always: It's not about you. 

2024. Godspeed.

    

So, once again another year ends. Seems as if I haven't posted anything since 2022. Online journaling is kind of an 'out-there for anyone to read' type of leap. It is  intimidating to think of having my writing out for public viewing. 

    In reading through former posts, I've written a lot of history. My first posting was in 2009. 15 years of documented excursions and insights. My plan is to start posting again, as it is the plan every year. So much has changed or shifted with me, with my world and with life in general. Maybe just putting thoughts out into the universe will bring some perspective.  

    For the last two years, posting nothing pretty much says it all. Nothing has been happening. Well, a lot has been happening, but nothing much on the teaching and instructing front, anyway. Day after day, week after week, month after month, always the same ol' same ol'. Until that one day - that one day that is not like all the others and a new same ol' same ol' begins. 

    At one time I thought maybe I was simply taking a hiatus from the self defense stuff. it has extended beyond a simple hiatus. I am not sure I plan on pursuing the self defense stuff any further. I do not know how come I don't wish to keep on keeping on. 

    A shift has happened, or is happening, who knows. The mind chatter constantly tells me, "You're slacking. You're not doing enough. You should be [fill in the blank]" I miss working out with people. I miss physical exertion that comes with working out with people. I miss the good ol' days of working out at the dojo. Classes were three hours long, the workouts intense. 

    Three hours for me these days would be overkill. But a solid hour, hour and a half maybe, would be awesome. The typical time for training classes today is 45 to 50 minutes. That amount of time we wouldn't even be enough for our warm ups back in the day. 

    So the end of 2024 and the first blog post in two years. The following months I do plan on vomiting thoughts out into the interwebs. They won't be the typical posts I have always seem to have done. The plan is to let myself express more of what makes me tick, what ticks me off, what intrigues, and how I perceive. 

As always, 'good luck'

Hey, I got a idea...

I have been brewing an idea for a while now. I have thought about how to do something that will help me accomplish a couple of goals. One, it would be to help me develop, tweak and better my presentation. Two, the plan would help me gather a group of people that will also be a support of sorts. And three, it would assist in me gaining video shorts and pics for social media. I decided to call it a focus group b/c we would be focusing on specifics with the goal of feedback and input. 
   On the two occasions I was able to teach in 2022, I realized how much I enjoyed doing so. Being able to be in front of others and sharing knowledge is so inspiring, fun and joyous that I really need to do it more often. This will be the gateway that helps me with that. At least that is the vision.
   What I have in mind is that there would be a short introduction to terminology and expectations for the duration of the focus group. The group will be limited to a maximum of 10 women, minimum of 6. It will cost much less than seminar cost. At the end of 4 weeks, money will be refunded to those who attend each session with no absences. 

   The duration of the focus group is 4 weeks of 3 hrs each, and on additional hour for the introduction session. 

   Sessions will consist of various types of teaching methods, which include lecture, discussion, play and discovery, along with fieldwork and homework.  

   I started Subtle Warrior Self Defense 19 years ago and have taught women self defense all around Nevada, and in several other states as well and to a variety of groups and organizations. I have continued my own training in the self defense industry to become more knowledgeable about the subject and to hone my instruction. 
   Dates and time have not yet been set. The first step was putting feelers out for places to gather. The plan is to start early in 2023, and the group will be meet in Wells.
   COVID affected everyone one way or another, including me. I dodged the illness, but the mental aftermath was my challenge. Which is some of the reason Subtle Warrior has not been offering any seminars for a while. I am hoping that enough people will be interested for this to happen. 
   If you have ever reached out to me wanting to learn or had any interest in learning from me and what I do, this would be your best bet. All the material, at the lowest price possible. Once the seminars are ready for public consumption, the price increases. 

Travel and Training - 500 Rising is rising

 

   I've returned from Ashburn, VA attending my third 500 Rising training. It was a good trip. I hadn’t planned on attending, really. I knew one was coming up, but didn't think it was going to work with my schedule. Turns out Tammy put it on a weekend that worked too well to pass up. Seriously though, I  attended because I knew if I stayed home during spring break I would slip deeper. Not bad, but not good. Definitely not good. I went because I knew hanging with tribe  would be the best ‘self care’ I could do right now. The material covered is also very important and I could never hear it enough.

    Getting away and going there was a very good decision. I left Ashburn with a much better energy. I returned exhausted because of the very late nights and long, long days, red eye flight and the lengthy drive home. Even through all of that I am lifted in spirit.

    500 Rising has a goal of changing the statistics on violence against women. Imagine if so many women were trained that assailants would not have much choice in targets. That is how stats could really change. It’s not about target hardening, it’s about targeting education.

    Much of that change will happen when subtle skills are brought to the forefront. Recognizing what to look for, how to read what’s happening, understanding human nature and patterns. Comprehension and perception of our nature and make up gives data to make informed choices and decisions in her actions and safety. Knowledge is power. That is how statistics change. Self defense begins way before it ever goes physical. That’s where change starts. The change in statistics and the change in mindset. 

    The certificate I received after this training is pretty. I don’t say that much, not really attached to my certificates. They are simply nice reminders. But none have struck me like this one. It was pretty. Very, very nice looking, like shiny, classy, high-quality really special on its own. I think I might actually put it in one of those ‘important-document-I-have-earned’ frames.

“Licensed Instructor”

    Recently I was told by someone in charge at my workplace, “If I didn't like it, then maybe I should get my teaching certification.” I thought that an interesting statement. While looking at my certificate I had an odd recall of his words. Wonder what he would think if he walked into my classroom and happen to see it framed and hung on my wall?

    When I say I started in the martial arts 40 years ago it sounds like a long time. Which it is, but to me it isn't that big a deal. Yet it is. It very much so is. My presence in that space for all those years was important. More so than I could have ever imagined. Not that I set out on any kind of journey or quest. It was more like my usual tactic of winging it. In reality, I actually started to get away from myself. I was a mess. A wreck. Huge train wreck waiting to happen. So I started just to get away from myself and all the inner turmoil. I could not have predicted I would be at the place I am at now.  

    One doesn’t always know they are totally on a journey or quest until, IDK - the universe reveals it? Could be decades, may not be what you think it's suppose to be and it may not be something you realize you're capable of. I often think of those who have gone before, the ones who didn't set out to be amazing, who where just doing what they do and ended up forging a path.

    Apprehension flairs up when thinking of the facing the masses. It’s like banging ones head against the wall when trying to explain that personal safety is not only the physical, but so much more on so many levels. Physically defending happens when all else has failed, and you have no other choice. Ambush, as in pounced on suddenly without warning or without expectation. When statistics are that more often the assailant is someone known or familiar to the woman, like 85% of the time - that ambush is more than just a physical ambush.

    So, from strength to strength we stand on the shoulders of those who have gone before. What does that mean? That means I am not by myself in this mission. I am surrounded by many women and men who understand that women’s safety must be wholeheartedly about her strengths and resilience on all levels and all frameworks. Combat sports and fighting arts do not address those deeper areas. But those areas can make her combat fighting styles even more effective. If only…

 Go check out the website 500Rising.com 

Persevere

When the going gets tough the tough get going is easy.

It's when the going gets challenging - that's when it's hard. Really, really hard. Hard to persevere. Hard to keep going. Hard not to give up.

Challenging - is different for everyone. We all have challenges.

The dramatic like to make all their 'challenges' be known, along with all their tragedies. Their every conversation must include all challenges and newest tragedy that intensifies said challenge. When it seems to be an ongoing theme it becomes harder to listen. It morphs into drama.

Then there are those who feel the challenges but simply ride them out or deal with them as they arise. No fanfare. No trumpets of announcement. No constant vocalizations about it all.

And some times that quiet is not always because everything is hunky dory, A-Okay and cheerio. Things could very well be totally falling apart and collapsing right there under the surface. And who would know?

Articulating some things can be difficult especially for someone who has a hard time expressing themselves to begin with. Add having been trained (or conditioned) to suck it up. No need for emotion, it's not necessary. One learns to figure it out and deal with shit on their own. 

 Or not. 

Then there is the dilemma of not having the words to express what is happening or the feelings being experienced. There's no descriptors for what's going on within.

Paired up not having anyone close enough who gets is and who can handle someone who sucks at conversation, it's hard to really dig deep into what's going on inside.

That's the challenge.

When the going gets tough it's easy.

It's when the going gets challenging that's when it's tough. Really really tough.

Funk. Empty. Void. Down. Lost

I think many of us analyze and introspect ourselves. The past couple of years have been challenging, even for those of us who are good with not having to interact with people so much. However, even us hermits and introverts need others at some level. 

The effects of the crazy insane couple of years are still welling up. It feels kinda like an invisible tidal wave. You know, how it hits, goes back into the sea and then the next after shock and it goes back, and then the next one, etc. 

Each one is similar but different. The aftermath of the initial one is taken up and redistributed differently with the second. And so on and so forth. 

Well, that is how it feels with the emotion, the energy and feelings. 

Things going on at a good pace, just clicking along, but then everything slams to a halt. Eventually some things sorta start up again, differently and modified but moving. Now its like all is moving along, but not well. 

When I was a kid, I remember my brother talking about keeping his pick up running with wire, baling twine and nylons. Gerry-rigging things just to keep it moving along until parts could be found or bought. The challenge of problem solving and cashing in on all the affordances that can be imagined. 

Well, right now I feel as if things are moving along all gerry-rigged like. Duck tape, popsicle sticks, string, gum and mud. Everybody’s going through their days hoping the whole shitshow doesn’t fall apart all at once. Adding more gum and tape, but not really fixing anything. 

Well, with the ongoing shitshow somethings gotta give. Those who have the adaptability can step out and give themselves space to breath to keep themselves together. But sometimes, we don’t have the opportunity and things go south. Emotion and energy wise. 

Introspection and the controllable. Adding duct tape on top of duct tape on top of duct tape doesn’t fix anything, and is pretty pointless after a short time. It’s frustrating. 

So what does one do? 

Can't tell ya.        

I don’t know. 

I know what I have been feeling lately sometimes has me a bit scared. Figuring out what I need to make happen in order to maintain sanity has been challenging. I kinda know what I think I might want to do, but also I don’t want to shoulder more responsibility. Especially for others. It’s hard enough being responsible for myself right now. 

A place to go for a good work out would be great. But that doesn’t exist around here. None that would be worth my travel time anyway. “Start your own” you might say, well then, there ya go, right back to square one. I cannot be responsible for running the show right now. At least not solely by myself. Teaching seminars is one thing. That is completely different than undertaking an organized regular training or work out session. 

Bleah. 

Just. Bleah.

Cheers to 40 years

This month - January marks 40 years since signing up and stepping onto the dojo floor. 

Holy Shit!

No ones does anything for 40 years and not grow, learn, adapt and adjust. When I started way back in the day, there were many eager to join because of the whole ‘karate is bad ass’ attitude. Watching martial arts movies and Jackie Chan made us want to be able to do what they could. One of the unsung reasons to learn martial arts was to learn self defense. At that time, karate was self defense. 

Forty years ago there were very few female instructors. I was always told that no one else does what I do. My instructor would tell me I was unique,  there were no other women karate-ka in the area. Just because we never saw one didn't mean that others were not out there. I didn't do many tournaments. We were located in a small town in a remote rural area of the state, of course we hadn’t heard of any other women martial artists. 

I don't consider myself as a martial artist; but rather, as someone who did the martial arts. I am not sure what that means. Other than one means to create and the other is one to just do. There were lots of things I enjoyed about the traditional arts. The work out, the people, the having to dig deep, the successes, all the physical and mental demands. 

Switching to women’s self defense from traditional martial arts was a blind leap of faith. Martial arts and self defense are not the same thing. Being physically capable of fighting in training doesn't mean one would have the capacity to do so in a sudden attack of violence. Also training doesn't cover the awareness to deal with specific circumstances woman will face more ofen. Going into the self defense realm was kinda an uphill battle. Convincing people that they need to learn more than just kicking, hitting and blocking is difficult.  

At that time martial art/karate were mutually known as self defense. And self defense experts were law enforcement, tactical military, or high ranked multi-belted martial arts champion. The ladies who were leaders in the self defense industry at that time were also martial arts fighters and karate champions. They got their foot in the ‘self defense’ door because of their accomplishments in the ring. They knew the tribulations women have in a man’s world. They also knew that the physical skills of defending were the last line of defense. It was the subtle skills of avoiding, escape, evasion and deflecting were the skills practiced more. Judging not only when to act, but how to react because retaliation was always on the table. That retaliation could take on many forms. 

Training for the physical matches is very empowering. As arduous and agonizing as it could be, it was much more enjoyable and easier than the bobbing and weaving of avoiding, escaping, evading and deflecting of unwanted advances, touching, or intrusive intimacy. Then there’s the aftermath of retaliation. Those who have gone before had to deal with the same things we are still dealing with, but I think we are now finally making ground with the shit we have to deal with sometimes. Shit like why it's a problem, how it sincerely affect us, and that it is not nothing. 

Starting in the martial arts January 1982, fast-forwarding to 2022 is an entire lifetime for some. The knowledge and skills gained from the traditional martial arts propelled me into this, what I do now. Although anyone who grew up in the 70’s rough and tumble age certainly has aches and pains today that constantly remind us of the good ol’ days. My goal is to educate others about keeping themselves safe. At least understand that they already have skills to keep safe because we use subtle skills and instinct or intuition everyday to keep safe. Physical skills are good to have, too but not necessarily skills in fighting. Rather skills in mobility, strength, movement, structure, dexterity, flexibility and reflex. Being able to use your body, the body you have, to move and react in ways that are necessary to keep safe. 

Keeping safe can mean anything from dodging an unobservant pedestrian, to getting under a table to hide, or jump up and run out the escape route at the back of the store. If you are mobile, can get up or down from  the ground, move swiftly, and think calmly then you’re off to a good start. I have aged to a point where I have to recalibrate how I do some things, but working constantly to keep my mobility is an every day goal.