Funk. Empty. Void. Down. Lost

I think many of us analyze and introspect ourselves. The past couple of years have been challenging, even for those of us who are good with not having to interact with people so much. However, even us hermits and introverts need others at some level. 

The effects of the crazy insane couple of years are still welling up. It feels kinda like an invisible tidal wave. You know, how it hits, goes back into the sea and then the next after shock and it goes back, and then the next one, etc. 

Each one is similar but different. The aftermath of the initial one is taken up and redistributed differently with the second. And so on and so forth. 

Well, that is how it feels with the emotion, the energy and feelings. 

Things going on at a good pace, just clicking along, but then everything slams to a halt. Eventually some things sorta start up again, differently and modified but moving. Now its like all is moving along, but not well. 

When I was a kid, I remember my brother talking about keeping his pick up running with wire, baling twine and nylons. Gerry-rigging things just to keep it moving along until parts could be found or bought. The challenge of problem solving and cashing in on all the affordances that can be imagined. 

Well, right now I feel as if things are moving along all gerry-rigged like. Duck tape, popsicle sticks, string, gum and mud. Everybody’s going through their days hoping the whole shitshow doesn’t fall apart all at once. Adding more gum and tape, but not really fixing anything. 

Well, with the ongoing shitshow somethings gotta give. Those who have the adaptability can step out and give themselves space to breath to keep themselves together. But sometimes, we don’t have the opportunity and things go south. Emotion and energy wise. 

Introspection and the controllable. Adding duct tape on top of duct tape on top of duct tape doesn’t fix anything, and is pretty pointless after a short time. It’s frustrating. 

So what does one do? 

Can't tell ya.        

I don’t know. 

I know what I have been feeling lately sometimes has me a bit scared. Figuring out what I need to make happen in order to maintain sanity has been challenging. I kinda know what I think I might want to do, but also I don’t want to shoulder more responsibility. Especially for others. It’s hard enough being responsible for myself right now. 

A place to go for a good work out would be great. But that doesn’t exist around here. None that would be worth my travel time anyway. “Start your own” you might say, well then, there ya go, right back to square one. I cannot be responsible for running the show right now. At least not solely by myself. Teaching seminars is one thing. That is completely different than undertaking an organized regular training or work out session. 

Bleah. 

Just. Bleah.

Cheers to 40 years

This month - January marks 40 years since signing up and stepping onto the dojo floor. 

Holy Shit!

No ones does anything for 40 years and not grow, learn, adapt and adjust. When I started way back in the day, there were many eager to join because of the whole ‘karate is bad ass’ attitude. Watching martial arts movies and Jackie Chan made us want to be able to do what they could. One of the unsung reasons to learn martial arts was to learn self defense. At that time, karate was self defense. 

Forty years ago there were very few female instructors. I was always told that no one else does what I do. My instructor would tell me I was unique,  there were no other women karate-ka in the area. Just because we never saw one didn't mean that others were not out there. I didn't do many tournaments. We were located in a small town in a remote rural area of the state, of course we hadn’t heard of any other women martial artists. 

I don't consider myself as a martial artist; but rather, as someone who did the martial arts. I am not sure what that means. Other than one means to create and the other is one to just do. There were lots of things I enjoyed about the traditional arts. The work out, the people, the having to dig deep, the successes, all the physical and mental demands. 

Switching to women’s self defense from traditional martial arts was a blind leap of faith. Martial arts and self defense are not the same thing. Being physically capable of fighting in training doesn't mean one would have the capacity to do so in a sudden attack of violence. Also training doesn't cover the awareness to deal with specific circumstances woman will face more ofen. Going into the self defense realm was kinda an uphill battle. Convincing people that they need to learn more than just kicking, hitting and blocking is difficult.  

At that time martial art/karate were mutually known as self defense. And self defense experts were law enforcement, tactical military, or high ranked multi-belted martial arts champion. The ladies who were leaders in the self defense industry at that time were also martial arts fighters and karate champions. They got their foot in the ‘self defense’ door because of their accomplishments in the ring. They knew the tribulations women have in a man’s world. They also knew that the physical skills of defending were the last line of defense. It was the subtle skills of avoiding, escape, evasion and deflecting were the skills practiced more. Judging not only when to act, but how to react because retaliation was always on the table. That retaliation could take on many forms. 

Training for the physical matches is very empowering. As arduous and agonizing as it could be, it was much more enjoyable and easier than the bobbing and weaving of avoiding, escaping, evading and deflecting of unwanted advances, touching, or intrusive intimacy. Then there’s the aftermath of retaliation. Those who have gone before had to deal with the same things we are still dealing with, but I think we are now finally making ground with the shit we have to deal with sometimes. Shit like why it's a problem, how it sincerely affect us, and that it is not nothing. 

Starting in the martial arts January 1982, fast-forwarding to 2022 is an entire lifetime for some. The knowledge and skills gained from the traditional martial arts propelled me into this, what I do now. Although anyone who grew up in the 70’s rough and tumble age certainly has aches and pains today that constantly remind us of the good ol’ days. My goal is to educate others about keeping themselves safe. At least understand that they already have skills to keep safe because we use subtle skills and instinct or intuition everyday to keep safe. Physical skills are good to have, too but not necessarily skills in fighting. Rather skills in mobility, strength, movement, structure, dexterity, flexibility and reflex. Being able to use your body, the body you have, to move and react in ways that are necessary to keep safe. 

Keeping safe can mean anything from dodging an unobservant pedestrian, to getting under a table to hide, or jump up and run out the escape route at the back of the store. If you are mobile, can get up or down from  the ground, move swiftly, and think calmly then you’re off to a good start. I have aged to a point where I have to recalibrate how I do some things, but working constantly to keep my mobility is an every day goal. 

Installment 5. Series of Fortunate Events. Roshi

 Way back in 2004 I made the conscious decision to teach women self defense. I knew I had many things to learn, and no idea what or how. From that point things just kinda presented themselves, but I had to take the opportunities when they were presented. There have been several.

When I left the traditional martial arts, it was literally like turning my back on the thing that lied to me. I was not in a good place and really, really needed to be somewhere else besides here. I ended up in a Zen Buddhist Monastery. I actually wrote a place in New York to ask about work study and got no response. Then I saw an ad in some magazine about work study at Upaya in Santa Fe. I applied and was accepted.

The next person on deck for this Series of Fortunate events is Roshi Joan, a Zen priest who founded Upaya. https://www.upaya.org/about/roshi/ 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya, a Buddhist monastery Zen center to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells.

    It was a big leap. I was too naive to understand the enormity of my action at the time. But now… now I realize that it was huge. In so many ways. 

    Now, I did not know what I was getting myself into. Nor did I understand the urgency to be there. I got there three days after a month long silent retreat had begun. It's called Ango. I did not know what Ango was. I was not there for Ango I was there for work/study. Ango is a retreat in which everything is done in deep meditation and in silence. There was no talking and many, many hours of meditations. I was there for work/study I only had to do 3 sessions of meditation daily. The other time was spent working or resting. 

    This was my first time traveling completely on my own. I had to buy the airline ticket, figure out how to get from point A to point B to point C, all by myself. Apparently, I was pretty anxious about it all because I found myself puking in the bathroom before boarding the plane. When I got there they had already started the retreat, and so they were in complete silence. No one would answer questions. It certainly was not very welcoming. 

    The experience was one of those tests the universe sends. I had requested it, but had no idea what I was getting into. Literally. The place was beautiful and there were a lot of people there from all around the world just attending Ango. A hand full of residence were the backbone to keeping things running. Everyone who is at Upaya works. There are chores the whole community chips in to get done. The residence lead the groups of guests assigned to a particular chore. 

    About a year before my arrival there was an upheaval in the board, and things were not quite stable, yet. I knew I was there for work/study. The people running the joint kept asking me if I was there for Ango. It seemed that they weren’t sure why I was there. They would ask if I was there for Ango and I would say I don't know what Ango is I am here for work/study. They would in turn say, “for Ango?” It was a comedy of sorrowful proportions. At the end of the month I realized that they were confused by the work/study thing. They thought maybe the work/study was in trade to attend Ango? I was there to work. And  participate in Zen. Whatever that means. 

    Meeting Roshi Joan Halifax. My first evening waiting to go in to the Zendo for meditation I was standing outside watching the other people standing outside. Blending in or at least observing so that I would know what to do to blend in. From the upper part of the campus, a group of people came walking down to where we were. They were official-type people, known because of the way were dressed. Several, dressed in black robes, were surrounding one dressed in more elaborate colorful ones. 

    There were many, many people standing outside the Zendo waiting to go in. There were also many people already seated inside the Zendo. I am standing about, in the back half but more toward the the middle of the group-line. Certainly not easily accessible from the end. The entourage was headed toward their entrance of the building. The person in the middle suddenly stops. She has bright blue eyes and is smiling, the person in the colorful robes turns toward the center of the group-line and walks right up to me, embraces me in a hug and says, “You made it! Glad to see you’re here.” A Matrix-y type of greeting if I’ve ever seen one for sure. 

I am hugging her back. She is hugging in a strong, sincere way. I am thinking in my head… ’Lady, I think you’re mistaking me for some one else’. I don’t know this woman, She certainly doesn’t know me. Especially from this crowd, gathered on a Santa Fe summer evening. A crowd who clearly knows WHY they are there. I had no clue why I was there. I just couldn't be where I was at so I had go somewhere, be somewhere else. 

BOOM! There I was. Standing with some fancy-robed ol’ lady hugging me. Just me. No one else. After the hug she - and her entourage - headed into the small door that took them to their Zendo entrance point. No doubt, I most certainly was somewhere else. 

    It was an interesting month of my life. Many many lessons learned. The first and foremost… let's just say that before that experience, way before and often, I expressed that I hate talking to people. If I lost the ability to speak that would be ok by me because then I wouldn't have to talk to people. Entering the compound of Upaya at the start of a month long silent retreat was a huge fuckin wake up call. One that when I reflect on it, I can't help but smile. I couldn't talk to anybody. Nobody was talking to me. No biggie. Unless I needed to know something. 

    On the 3rd day a roommate and I realized that neither one of us was there for Ango, so on the times we weren’t in the meditation hall we could talk to each other!!  IT WAS AWESOME! Kinda like POWs that communicate incognito. Except we weren’t P anything, much less of O.W. We talked for the few days she was there. Then she was gone. People came and left all the time You could come to Ango for the month or for a week at time. In fact, this is normal pretty much all the time. For the time my roommate was there, she and I would get ‘scolded’ silently by one of the priests for whispering and chuckling quietly at breakfast or lunch. Soon the priest (priest was her title) would come sit right by us each time to keep us quiet. Kinda like a dormitory Catholic school would be, I imagine. 

    One evening I was doing dishes. I always did dishes. One of the other hopes I had when I set out for this adventure was to not get stuck in the kitchen. Well, guess what. The universe has a sense of humor that is only funny to it. It's a lesson to you. Anyway, doing dishes…. Tempa Lama was assigned to help, so he was standing next to me getting a bin ready. “Where’s the soap?” he asks me in a whisper. ‘Right down there.” I replied pointing to a cupboard shelf on his right. With that, I got a ‘Shushing” from the priest who decided I was always causing commotion. "He asked me a question!!" I whispered in backtalk as quietly as possible. He speaks to me asking a question, I answer and I get in trouble?!

Wait it gets better. 

    We were rolling along doing dishes just fine. Tempa goes to shift a bin from one sink to the other and it slips out of his hands and and falls straight back down landing perfectly, splashing a volcano of water up onto him.  

    SHIT” he says not in a whisper but not yelling. My eyes got big. Monks cuss?! Then I looked at my PO to see if Tempa was going to get chewed out for cussing AND BEING LOUD! Pretty sure I had the oh-shit-you-really-gonna-get-it look on my face” Serious offense right?

Nope. Nothing. 

Tempa did not get shushed the way I did. 

    There was a lot of laughter, a lot of deep discussion and more than a ton of learning that first trip. There was also a lot of crying. I would break down and just start bawling for no reason. No reason known to me or that I could figure out at the time. Yeah, even tho there was no talking, when necessary there was compassion in any form necessary when needed at that moment. And moments are fluid. 

    Roshi Joan Halifax is an incredible, amazing woman. Her whole being, her past, her education, her experiences, her teaching. Her activism and her being the woman that is wholly her. Unapologetically. All of it. Amazing. 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells. 

    Following your instincts and taking a leap of faith can be a scary thing. Where there is a will, there’s a way… just make sure you understand why the will. Because what you think (or don't think) will not be what you get. Learn anyway. 

    Many adventures. Misplacement and hitching a ride. Attending the Santa Fe Opera. OMGWOW!! Getting to drive residence out to dinner one evening because no one else knew how to drive stick shift. Sneaking a drink of coffee as if it were an illegal substance and not allowed. Teaching Tempa how to drive stick shift in the worst car possible. Watching young adults stand back in awe at seeing ‘real monks’.  And meeting so, so many people from all over the world. 

Upaya. And Roshi Joan Halifax was the launch pad and the cognizance of my place at that time when I needed it most. To all of it… much gratitude.

Installment 4. Series of Fortunate Events. Ed

Installment 4. Series of Fortunate Events.

Way back in 2004 I made the conscious decision to teach women self defense. I knew I had many things to learn, and no idea what or how. From that point things just kinda presented themselves. I just had to take the opportunities when they were presented. There have been several. 

One of those came about after attending a couple of days of Violence Dynamics West in 2016. At the Oakland seminar I met many amazing people. One was Ed Calderon.  I got this one pic and it's terrible. Taking photos is not my thing. 

The best moments at any training is the gatherings at the end of the day’s training. It is at the after class gathering that we get to know each other. Ed was telling some tales. Later, as I researched who the guy was https://www.edsmanifesto.com/about  I thought 'wow, the stuff this guy has experienced -and seen' 😬 I can’t imagine the nightmares. He has a wealth of knowledge that you cannot get anywhere else but in the fray of survival of some really brutal scenarios. 

Well, I had the opportunity to take an Urban Survival class offered by Ed and Tracker Dan. It was so very insightful and informative. Especially for someone who has never really navigated the city. What to look for how to spot it, what can be used and what certain things mean or can tell you. Just so much. 

Sharing the weekend with some really great friends as well made it even more enjoyable, Adam and Ed K. It was a crazy weekend with some deadly arts and crafts project not usually shown at your typical summer camp. I found a lot of the information, backstories and the “how I discovered’ information shared quite disturbing. 

After my traditional martial art training ended, the learning about real defending began. I have learned from such a variety of people. There are many layers to keeping safe with the levels of violence one can encounter. The information gained from Ed’s seminar really opened my eyes up to many things. Again, disturbing stuff but important to be aware of. 

In a moment to seize an opportunity to learn something from a dude who has experienced a hell of a lot of incredible things in his career, I found myself in another incredible event I was fortunate enough  to be a part of. Just because I could make it to a weekend training the tide tipped in my favor to learn from other violence professionals. A professional at a different level than the usual tactical/military/LE people. Imagine that! 

Add that to my resume, I have trained with people who have worked in elite fields of violence. Again taking the chance to learn when I had the chance. It is that passion, that constant burning that keeps me guided. The drive for knowledge. 

Even if afterward I think to myself, "man, I can’t unhear any of those stories." Disturbing.

If you’re following the series.. thanks. 

Installment 3. Series of Fortunate Events. A short series.

If you’re following the series.. thanks. 

Her name is Shenghong, my Tai Chi teacher. 

Why is it that the people most often renowned for teaching self defense have to profess what rank they have in whatever martial art, or have fought many matches, or have belts in many various arts? It's not the quantity of belt ranks nor the number of arts studied that makes one proficient at self defense. 

Eventually we are all asked that inevitable question, though aren't we? “What style do or did you study?” Maybe just stating your rank and styles studied up front to get it off the table is a good idea. Unless it's just to impress everyone, then its not a good idea…. Or impressive. 

What if you had the chance to learn Tai Chi for someone who learned it in China!? I was already teaching classes in my dojo (that we built with our own hands) when I signed up to learn Tai Chi. It is a soft art…. as if anyone except a martial arts nerd and traditionalist would understand. Karate would be a hard style. 

I had heard of her, the Tai Chi instructor. I knew her as Connie, but her name is Shenghong. Tai Chi Chuan was odd to learn, so different then learning the way I had known. But it’s not just the style that was such a different curve. Being taught by a female in a class that wasn’t combative and militaristically patriarchal was also a part of the different. I enjoyed it as it was meditative. Shenghong would be considered my first female martial arts teacher. 

I took the class several times. She wanted me to teach it at my dojo, but I wasn’t comfortable teaching it unless I really, really knew it. It was a popular class there at the local community college. There were several people in attendance each semester I took it.

One time Shenghong and Kelly, my BFF/Maid of Honor, wanted me to take them hiking. They had never gone before and knew I had, so they wanted me to show them the ropes. That was a very memorable trip. At one point I was working on the fire, doing everything from gathering the rocks to kindling and firewood for our small trail-side fire. It was dusk and getting darker and we had to set up a tent. They both had a borrowed tent that neither had ever set up. So as I was working on the fire task, I was also explaining the details of setting up my tent. It was simple and I had done it enough times that I could easily direct someone else how to do it. What an adventure that weekend was. One of the most precious memories I have to reminisce upon. Lots of laughter, fun and talking. We all survived, but we never got the chance to do it again. 

I had learned skills of hiking from my core instructor. I didn’t really think much of it, but the skill have come in handy many, many times, In lots of different ways. 

I have been very blessed and so very fortunate of the various skill sets I have gained over the years. They all have served me well. Including Tai Chi. 

I was watching video of my last seminar. While teaching the physical skills portion, I was explaining something and my movements mimicked Tai Chi. At least that is what I saw when I watched the video. I had to chuckle. I guess we really do become what we repeatedly do. 

 

So, yeah, I’m happy to say that Tai Chi Chuan, in various forms , are a part of my martial arts training repertoire.