Disappointment and Frustration

There have been a couple of times that I worked on a blog for two days or more. It is a process in which an extreme rough draft is laid down and then revisions happen. And then many re-reads and revisions. All of it takes more than one day. That doesn’t include the whole process of thinking about what to write and how. 

There have been a couple of times when I worked on a blog for a couple of days or more and then when I go to publish the program glitches. Even when clicking the ‘save’ button, the whole blog simply disappears. *POOF*  All words and thoughts simply dust in the wind. I cannot tell you how much it sucks. Those of you who have had the experience know. Rewriting is not an option. I’ve tried. It doesn’t go so well. 

Last night was one of those experiences. I knew I would not be writing another any time soon. But it is Sunday and on Sundays, since this whole lock-down procedures was implemented I have been involved in a zoom call among self defense colleagues. They have been more than a life saver. I cannot express how much of a port in the storm they have been. 

This evening was full of much laughter. The people are so diverse and so incredibly knowledgeable. It is with this group and with other training colleagues that I feel ‘normal’ -whatever that means. At the least, I don’t feel so out of place. 

The blog I had lost the day before was about imposter syndrome, sort of. It was really about incompetence syndrome. I feel more of an incompetent rather than an imposter. The company I keep on Sundays help quell the incompetence. It’s in the trust and the respect. 

The frustration of losing words laid out is harsh, indeed. Technology certainly has a way of testing ones patience. There has been a few times that I have lost whole blogs. Words lost forever, and if I must say so myself, they were pretty good. If I choose to publish it has to be something I like, writing that meets my satisfaction. 

So with yesterday's loss of words. And today’s jovial, informative Chiron Zoom call to the rescue, the weekend is not a total loss. 

To be or not to be. Do or Do not.

Warrior is a word I am not especially fond of. It gets used way too often for everything from surviving a hangnail to getting through the work week and making it to Friday. There are those who truly are warriors, we know them. There are also many great words of wisdom and sentiment about warriorship. This is one of those and I thought I'd expound on it. 

No one is born a warrior • I do believe though, that one is born with traits that enable one to have what it takes to become a warrior. But life also can have a way of shaping one into a warrior, if necessary, depending on various factors including resolve, tenacity and grit.

You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated • Sit down! Don't cause problems. Just do what you're told. Sometimes it is easier to just comply. Sometimes not, depending. Once when I was a few years into my present employment, I was asked to cover a class. I am not qualified to sub so I declined. The admin strongly urged me to do it but I maintained steadfast that I would not. He had no other choice but to figure out another option for his dilemma. With the discussion done, I started down the hall back to my work area. The secretary chased me down and insisted that I should not even think of telling an admin no. "Don't make waves" she said. It really made her uneasy. Oh well. 
To have the chutzpah to stand when they all want you to remain seated may be warrior-like somehow, I guess. My thought process at the time was not to be put in a position that I was not certified to do. If anything happed I would be up shit creek. Legally he could not make me do this and we both knew it. Knowledge can really be a great equalizer. The more you know the more you can back your stand. 

You choose to be one when you refuse to back down • Again, backing down depends on many factors. Is it worth it? How significant is it for you to come out on top? Fighting over which movie to go to... is it really that important? Or do you just give in and watch the movie your buddy want to see because it is about spending time together and not really the movie? 
So, another story. I was waiting alone at Sears one November to pick up family photos (this was like 30 years ago, Sears use to do photos). A big, rough, mean-looking dude was threatening to beat one of his girlfriend's very young kids. There were 4 really small ones, from toddler to about age 5 or so. He stood up and took off his belt. I spoke up and the only thing I could think of to say was, "Sir, I'm not going to just stand here and let you use that belt on those kids." Of course the adults didn't not like my interference and let me know in no uncertain terms. Now, I had no plan and no idea what I would do, but still I could not back down. The kids were just being little kids, singing and climbing off and on their chairs. Nothing so horrendous that constituted a beating from this guy with a belt, not that anything would. But confronting him was the one of the scariest things I've ever done. This put me in a position to watch my back for several years afterward. 
The actions and reactions we choose to take will always have results. Even if that result puts us in a position to keep our guard up for a long time after. Or the result can cause us to loose friendships or family.

Standing up after getting knocked down •  With this one there isn't a 'depends' option. There is no other option than to get back up. It may take time. It will hurt like hell, like your guts have been ripped out. Like there could never be sunshine and happiness ever again. More tears and sorrow than you ever thought possible, but you have to get up and get through. 

Every. Single. Time. 

No matter what. 

Not all scars are visible. 

That. Is. A. True. Warrior. 

Using the terminology 'warrior' means different things to everyone. I chose the word to use in the name of my business, Subtle Warrior. Even though it is overused for irrelevant shit, it still has meaning. I wrote about why I chose the name Subtle Warrior. You can read about it here.

People are born but some are endowed with something... character, disposition, nature...whatever- that places them in an unusual position to be kinda elite in many ways. 

Or just maybe all those traits aren't part of it at all. Maybe, just maybe, they just do what they do because it's the right thing to do.

For whatever reason. 

White Yellow Orange Red Black

In the self defense field, many people talk about or use the ‘Cooper’s Color Code’ method of classifying stages of awareness. I have had conversations with people who advocate it and there were a few that had their own color codes of sorts to teach awareness with their self defense course. 

With that, many years ago I once had someone from a completely different area code call me. He drilled me about the self defense I taught, as in what style and if I employed Cooper’s color code in my instruction. I said no I didn’t. He of course reprimanded me for not doing so. The self defense I taught what not complete nor correct without the color code. Now this guy didn’t know anything about me. I am sure he got my number off the website. However, he was not even located anywhere near the region I live or teach. I don’t know why he felt it so important to make sure I was teaching Women's self defense the way he thought I should. 

Basically the color codes give an illustration of the level of awareness one would be in at different times. White illustrated being in an oblivious state, like spacing out or daydreaming. Not paying attention to anything at all. 

Yellow is where you’d be relaxed but aware, generally paying attention.

Orange is when something specific has been noticed and now you're on alert. If it turns out to be nothing, then you go back down to yellow. If it’s more serious, then you go to condition- -

Red. High alert. Shit’s going down, it's the so called ‘fight or flight’ stage. 

Black is all out panic, nothing productive happening because of the panic. You never want to be in this state.

Neither do you want to be in condition red constantly either. Some people are. 

One instructor I met had a different method. Simply green, yellow or red as way for him to illustrate the various levels of awareness. Which seemed a bit more logical for his particular program. As for me, that wasn’t the direction my program went. 

To live your best life you can’t live at one extreme or the other. Life is not binary, either/or. If we become more knowledgable about what to see and how to recognize things developing, then hopefully we can make some choices before it's too late. 

More than Cooper’s color codes, learning where violence comes from, spotting what kind it may be and understanding the factors involved, will help much more than having a colorful way of discerning where your awareness level lies or should be. Now, just because the color codes aren’t my thing, doesn’t mean they don’t have value. If you’re interested, you research it, there is lots of stuff out there about it. 

My allure is toward knowledge and comprehension. Disguising such levels with rainbows  doesn’t do much. Explaining how come the prism creates the colors provides one with the understanding of why. As an example, if your level is Orange there is quite a bit background as to why something put you on alert. Who, what, why, when, how did it all get your attention and how do you articulate it? 

The who, what, why, when, and how is a big part of self defense and a bit part of what women experience. Something sets off our spidey senses for some reason, the ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but somethings not right’ feeling. The skill set sometimes referred to as alpha skills, which involve awareness, avoidance E/E and communications and the delta skills, which are a transitioning point with behavior clusters and boundary setting help us prepare in case things go physical. 

The color code I most prefer is this one:

Shifting a Paradigm

Recently I got to do some training in June and July. Training really isn't the right word in my opinion. Training brings to mind physical exertion. Yeah, sure there's some physical exercises practiced, but it so much more educational than that. 

The program I went to in June was the one I had been eagerly anticipating. 500 Rising is the beginning of a paradigm shift. I am so thrilled to be in on it from the get go. Having lived a life of more than 5 decades, 4 of them in the martial arts world and 16 of those specializing in women's personal defense. I knew there was something brewing in this industry and I am fortunate enough to be among movers and shakers that will stand and deliver. 

If you've read previous posts you know that 'martial art is not self' defense is stated more than once. Rory's got a saying, "You don't have to justify martial arts. You do have to justify self defense." Along with that, martial arts defense techniques are task-oriented if 'A' then 'B' maneuvers give easy answers to unrealistic problems.

What do I mean? Well, most skills taught are for stranger attacks. The person you don't know that comes out from the so called dark alley or from the bushes, so to speak. But 85% of the attacks come from someone the target knows, not a stranger. Yes, those stranger attacks happen, but chances are that you'll have to defend against a person you know. That's the reality problem that instructors who teach self defense won't address. Why? Because it's not easy. It  is the reality and there are no simple 'A then B' answers. Reactions and responses must to be goal-oriented. This is hard to teach in a martial arts arena where testing and rank are determined by how well you can replicate what the instructor wants to see. 

To get an endorsement for the Instructional Foundations for Women's Self Defense with 500 Rising I had to submit letters of recommendation. Pretty sure I am the only one that got one from a Buddhist Zen master. She was one of the first people I shared my want to educate women about personal defense. It was at her monastery that I came to that realization. 😊

There was also a lot of reading involved. One book, Sapiens, I had on audio and already listened to it twice. My kinda nerd reading. Most of the reading list had already been done a long time ago. There is much to know to be able to give the source of the whats and whys because that is what educators do. We research to give the most accurate information possible. 

Seriously, understanding how and why violence happens is a huge part of educating others on what to expect. Not only from the assailant but from themselves. So after many many hours of pre-class material online before our in class days, three intense days about 9 hours each, we graduated as the first class.

A couple of weeks after the 500 Rising Rory Miller was in Boise doing the very first presentation of his Situational Awareness class. He asked me to present the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs section. We use it as a model to show where conflict and violence comes from and how it differs. I started learning from Rory in October 2010, he has taught this concept several times a month every year since. So, I had the opportunity to present. In front of him and several cool people at the seminar. It was fun, and exhilarating. (scary too, but that was just my monkey mind freakin' me out)  When all was said and done, I felt good about how it went.

So with these past few weeks of meeting up with amazing people, creating another network of colleagues working toward shifting a paradigm and experiencing a real burst of joy of presenting to others, the time has come for me to up my presentations. Looking forward to putting together my visuals and advancing my presentation skills. 

So, enough of writing this and on to working on a presentation. 

Life's Adventure

It's been a quite a while since the last post. I had been working on one to publish, doing research and such. It's pretty much done, however, I decided, 'Nope.... not going to do it." It was titled, "Sick. Sick Sick" as in 'I am so tired of all this Covid 19/Corona virus crap'. As I am sure we all are. In fact, that is probably the only boat we are all in together. Hanging over the edge being sick. Sick. Sick. Of. It. All.

I did some research on things like the number of deaths per year, stuff like that. The information on the virus changes daily, or at least the information the media feeds us. I trust none of the information given. I also am not freaked out from this pandemic. I can't say I buy all the hype about how we all are going to die if we get it. That is bullshit, and way too many people are panicked. Panicked people are not fun.
This whole experience of this has certainly been interesting. Not completely unpleasant but certainly not enjoyable either.
  I have a job I absolutely love, mingling with young adults every day. Some days with the kids are better than other days, all depending on what is happening in their lives and in the world at the moment. I work at a very small school, so knowing the individual students is the norm. The one goal I have each day is to make sure my classroom is consistent. Consistent in set up, consistent in attitude and energy. That consistency brings a sense of safety and trust. The other daily goal is to make the kids laugh or at least smile everyday. The kids are the reason to get up everyday. The structure of the day keeps me sane, and sometimes stressed, but mostly stable in knowing who, what, when, where, why, how, etc. This inconclusive, unstable, precarious times of ours right now sucks. It's Bullshit.

I have a saying, "Everyday is an adventure, whether you want it to be or not." Many many days are mundane with the same ol' same ol'. Sometimes the mundane takes a sharp left turn and you find yourself in the middle of mayhem or a commotion that may not have been anticipated. Those are really the fun times, problem solving, keeping it together and getting through. Then there are those days that start out in a chaotic sprint from the get go.

No matter the day, it is an adventure... sometimes in unexpected ways, and sometime in ways we'd rather not experience, but an adventure none the less. This whole pandemic has been one of those times. And it looks to be an ongoing 'adventure' for quite some time to come. Good, bad or indifferent, there will be thrills and excitement along with misery and despair. No matter what, the days keep on keeping on and the people keep on peopling on. Some with more sense than others, but oh, well, live and let live.

So in this, approaching of start of the 3rd month of a pandemic, with the help of friends, and internet communications I think I am holding out ok. I cant wait to go to a movie again. The first thing I am going to order in the restaurant I can go into for a meal will be breakfast! And the wish to have been able to spend the last month in school making memories with the students going off into their lives is not going to happen. There is a loss, a grief there with that. But I'll get over it.

The one thing I look most forward to is getting together with all those people I train with a few times a year. I can wait to see them all again. It's not like we get to hang out a lot anyway, but the next time is going to be exceptional.

Perpetually Waiting

 
After the laundry is taken care of and the dishes are done, Sunday evening waiting for Monday morning.
It's like Christmas Eve laying in anticipation for the morning squeals and joy.
It's like December 31 at home waiting for the moment at midnight when it's officially the new year.


Waiting.
Perpetually waiting.
Sitting in a permanent waiting room where no assistant will call you next.


Waiting at the light that doesn't change.
Waiting in the drive through line for the coffee you'll never get.
Waiting for the results you don't know if you want to know about.

Waiting on the phone. 
On hold.

Perpetually waiting.

The days fade from one to the next.
Some things to do.
Something could be done, left undone.
Other things finally achieved!

Waiting to go back to the pool to swim lap after lap all alone.
Waiting for the day we can go back to a job loved.
Waiting to go back to the days of conversations with colleagues.

Waiting to witness the aftermath. 

Perpetually waiting.

Trying Times Ramblings

Here's the thing, the times are a tryin' these days. Aren't they?

Depending on your Belief System, you may think it's the end of days. 

If you have a Belief System (bs for short) you probably do think it is the end of the world.
Because that is what a loving god does, punish.

At this time, we are all dealing with a national quarantine. Covid19 has locked the country down. Also, around here, Northeastern Nevada, the weather has been really shitty. Today, April 1st has been snowing pretty much all day. All other days have been overcast, windy and cold. The wind was so strong yesterday that when there happen to be an earthquake, it's cool wave-like motion through the house really felt as if it was the wind was seriously blowing the house side to side. However, when the wave motion continued and the indoor Buddha bells were ringing because of the sway, there was no question. Yep, earthquake.

So I suppose if one has any particular belief system, it could be inferred that one should be worried that the 'higher being' is throwing down his wrath. Especially if you feel as if maybe you haven't been living your life as 'he' would want. Self judgement based on the imposed judgements of others. To fear that things are completely 'out of your control' is the greatest fallacy. 

Things were never in your control. It's always an illusion to think so. Except for emotion and reaction. Those can be in your control. The more informed you are, the more armed with facts, the easier it is to decipher the emotions.

I don't believe in a 'god' specifically, I believe in the Universe. The universe has been and always will be. It is truly amazing. I do have a deep faith. I think its very important to have faith. Back when our world was the ordinary every single day standard; until March 15 (we should have bewared the ides of March, aye) I would get up with the same routine everyday.

From the time I woke and started the day, my thought would be toward the day. "Just another day. What will the day bring." I'd step out my front door on my way to the workplace, take a big long inhale to smell the morning air. It's the best. Looking around the neighborhoods I pass along the way and think about the people, the years of doing the same route. I often contemplate the sheer vastness of the universe. We are this speck of a Goldilocks plant with human organisms surviving all by matter of chance. We are nothing in comparison to everything else in space...

All through the day, I check in with how nice it is to have a routine; yet at any moment fully aware that that routine could easily be blown to smithereens. Anything could happen, someone collapsing in my classroom, a chemical spill on at the railroad tracks down town, meteorite lading on the building. A car bomb in the parking lot, an epileptic seizure or someone choking on a piece of candy... anything. Would I be ready to respond to that moment? 

Well, lookie here, we are in that moment! Routine interrupted. What an adventure. Not happy, but grateful. Like everyone else, I miss my routine. But like a small few, I am ready for the upheaval, because that is what the Universe does. How awesome:) Mankind has survived everything that has ever plagued 'em, we will get through this as well. It most certainly will be devastating, more so for some than others. To say it will either make ya, or break ya may sound callous, but I think it is the truth.

When you feel as if you are breaking, check in with yourself. Breathe. Make sure you aren't contributing to your break by adding substances that cloud your rational. Be sober, check the facts, and reach out to friends. Friends that are steadfast and will call you on your bull.  

It is a trying time for us all. Challenges are always good to go through. Nothing tests the mettle like a good challenge. Yet, this one... this one seems like a challenge to test all challenges. Some days are worse than others, emotionally and psychologically. But if you have a roof over your head and are not starving because rations have been minuscule, then you are in a good place. If you get sick, the chances of survival are extraordinarily high. More people have survived than died so far. Try not to get stuck in the negative doomsday numbers the media puts out there. If it is a really rough day, call someone, reach out, talk. Simply posting on your timeline 'Hey, give me a call" will bring positive results. 

Friends and family are the best thing we have going for us during these trying times. Keep in touch with them more than usual.

For now the new normal.... Indefinitely.

Lock down, Quarantined, Self Isolation, Seclusion, Sequestered, House Arrest...
For now the new normal.... Indefinitely.



One of the most advantageous qualities anyone could have in any situation is adaptability. Adaptability, I think is a learned trait/skill/quality. If one is never allowed to face adversity or challenges in which they must problem-solve on their own, then how would they ever learn how to adapt.

If a person's situations and circumstances are always taken care of by someone else, there is no way to learn how to adapt. I think this creates weak links in society. Personally, I love seeing kids come up with solutions, "I didn't have this so I used that and made it work!" or when they say, "I had to figure out how to..." and they do. I also have seen just as many say, "I don't know how, it won't let me." and give up. Not looking for a way around the challenge. They're good with others telling them what to do or letting other do for them, as they don't really know how to 'do' anyway. Not always, but often the product of the so called 'helicopter' or 'lawnmower' parent.


This isolation that Covid-19 has caused is annoying. Not that I mind not seeing other humans. However, I am not one who uses free time well. I am one that need a specific place to be at a designated time everyday, I need a consistent schedule that answers to others. This was discovered a few years ago during summer break, which led me to the realization that I could never retire. Good thing I really, really like my job.

So, adaptability... we all have been through trials that have forced us to adapt in one way or another. When my father was diagnosed with ALS, adaptation was necessary. Work schedule, physical work load, emotional and psychological acceptance and responsibility all needed to become adaptable, for any given day.


Other life challenges create moments to implement adaptability. One of the things Phil, my first self defense instructor says is, "He who adapts, survives."

Malcolm, has what he calls 'everyday reps', meaning that everyday, we have a chance to practice self protection, personal defense. Not necessarily the physical, more often all the other areas of keeping safe, like noticing things happening around you and taking action to keep safe, or paying your intuition and noting what it's trying to tell you. Things like that, among others.

This new normal, for now - indefinitely, gives us vast opportunities to practice adaptation, its all about the attitude. 

"Life's an adventure, whether you want it to be or not."

Being prepared for the unexpected is a superpower.

Having skills and resources to be able to respond to things is challenging to some and just second nature to others. Much of it is attitude. "The difference between an adventure and an ordeal is attitude." I would rather hang out with those who are problem solvers and can jump into a situation with resources. 

Having had opportunity to hang with disorganized people who have a difficult time shifting from their normal jumbled, haphazard self into the metaphorical shit's-hit-the-fan moment, is not fun. Those people make other people's lives not only more challenging, but dangerous.

Even if one feels they are only 'slightly' disorganized and think they're truly prepared, it is in that shift where there's a moment of befuddlement. That is called the gap. Lives are lost in the gaps. The resources to maneuver through the day and recognize a possibility of a situation or knowing that the situation is going down is important to have.

How does one acquire such resources? I think that for some it is an artifact from childhood. At least it is for me. My childhood hero was always prepared and always prevailed no matter what the hour threw at him. I emulated him and had stuff stashed in my pockets, in my shoes, on my person and bike that may be useful or handy for whatever may happen during that day. Needless to say, I carried a lot of shit. Bolts, washers, string, rope, pocket knife, all kinds of metal, plastic, and wooden doo-hickies, and odd and ends in case making a trade for other different stuff was necessary.

I think others who realize the necessity to build a resource of knowledge seek out the information and learn to adapt. Sometimes it's through opportunity, sometimes it comes from experience. And then there are those resources we may have that we don't even consider to be a resource. I have spent time in a place where, one day as I was washing dishes as part of my work at the place, somebody came up to me and asked if I knew how to drive a stick shift. Just out of the blue, didn't know my name or anything about me, nor I him. I answered, 'Yes, I do' and then he just walked away. Weird.

The next day, he again approached and said, 'Several of us would like to go into town to eat one evening, but none of us can drive a stick shift, and the only vehicle available is a stick. Could you drive us?' BOOM!! Adventure at hand, driving an overly-packed extended cab Ranger, full of fellow residence, and a monk from Tibet to a restaurant in Santa Fe. I got a free dinner and had an experience that resulted only because of the resource I was able to offer.

I don't live in a dangerous area. I live in an area that is so small and rural, we don't even have a traffic light anywhere in town. There are some paved road and not many sidewalks... so living on the edge of danger is not an everyday occurrence where I am. I know others who's neighborhoods often have the sound of gun fire. And there are other friends who live smack in the middle of skid row. Each of us adapt to our surroundings, and also have resources - innate or learned - that keep them more safe and ready to respond to what ever they may face.

It is with simple things, that test our mettle and resources, like running into a traffic jam on the route you usually take. Do you know the area well enough to have back up routes? Do you have a window of time that the delay won't cause much chaos. Do you have a good book or music to listen to? How about when you are parked in a parking lot and something odd has caught your attention, are you in a position to be able to leave the area quickly or do you have to back up and maneuver around other vehicles to get away? How about when coffee is spilled all over your white shirt. Do you have a spare shirt in your backpack?

I have whittled down many of the items I use to carry with me as a kid. I don't usually trade stuff with others anymore. The string and rope are now just one long piece of paracord. I don't leave my house without my pocketknife and the newest everyday carry edition is a flashlight, small enough for my pocket, but long enough to damage if necessary. And then in the daypack, a first aid kit, a bigger flashlight, a tourniquet and other things that may be necessary at any given moment. Ok, maybe not whittled down from the amount of stuff I carried as a kid, but changed out to more realistic necessities. Guess that might be called 'adulting, no?

Take innovatory of your resources, and think about those things you have to offer that you may not even consider as such... forging signatures or working a sewing machine (resources I may or may not have had to offer at some point in time). We all have something that we can do or offer up.  The more you are capable of doing or giving, the better your circumstances.