Installment 5. Series of Fortunate Events. Roshi

 Way back in 2004 I made the conscious decision to teach women self defense. I knew I had many things to learn, and no idea what or how. From that point things just kinda presented themselves, but I had to take the opportunities when they were presented. There have been several.

When I left the traditional martial arts, it was literally like turning my back on the thing that lied to me. I was not in a good place and really, really needed to be somewhere else besides here. I ended up in a Zen Buddhist Monastery. I actually wrote a place in New York to ask about work study and got no response. Then I saw an ad in some magazine about work study at Upaya in Santa Fe. I applied and was accepted.

The next person on deck for this Series of Fortunate events is Roshi Joan, a Zen priest who founded Upaya. https://www.upaya.org/about/roshi/ 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya, a Buddhist monastery Zen center to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells.

    It was a big leap. I was too naive to understand the enormity of my action at the time. But now… now I realize that it was huge. In so many ways. 

    Now, I did not know what I was getting myself into. Nor did I understand the urgency to be there. I got there three days after a month long silent retreat had begun. It's called Ango. I did not know what Ango was. I was not there for Ango I was there for work/study. Ango is a retreat in which everything is done in deep meditation and in silence. There was no talking and many, many hours of meditations. I was there for work/study I only had to do 3 sessions of meditation daily. The other time was spent working or resting. 

    This was my first time traveling completely on my own. I had to buy the airline ticket, figure out how to get from point A to point B to point C, all by myself. Apparently, I was pretty anxious about it all because I found myself puking in the bathroom before boarding the plane. When I got there they had already started the retreat, and so they were in complete silence. No one would answer questions. It certainly was not very welcoming. 

    The experience was one of those tests the universe sends. I had requested it, but had no idea what I was getting into. Literally. The place was beautiful and there were a lot of people there from all around the world just attending Ango. A hand full of residence were the backbone to keeping things running. Everyone who is at Upaya works. There are chores the whole community chips in to get done. The residence lead the groups of guests assigned to a particular chore. 

    About a year before my arrival there was an upheaval in the board, and things were not quite stable, yet. I knew I was there for work/study. The people running the joint kept asking me if I was there for Ango. It seemed that they weren’t sure why I was there. They would ask if I was there for Ango and I would say I don't know what Ango is I am here for work/study. They would in turn say, “for Ango?” It was a comedy of sorrowful proportions. At the end of the month I realized that they were confused by the work/study thing. They thought maybe the work/study was in trade to attend Ango? I was there to work. And  participate in Zen. Whatever that means. 

    Meeting Roshi Joan Halifax. My first evening waiting to go in to the Zendo for meditation I was standing outside watching the other people standing outside. Blending in or at least observing so that I would know what to do to blend in. From the upper part of the campus, a group of people came walking down to where we were. They were official-type people, known because of the way were dressed. Several, dressed in black robes, were surrounding one dressed in more elaborate colorful ones. 

    There were many, many people standing outside the Zendo waiting to go in. There were also many people already seated inside the Zendo. I am standing about, in the back half but more toward the the middle of the group-line. Certainly not easily accessible from the end. The entourage was headed toward their entrance of the building. The person in the middle suddenly stops. She has bright blue eyes and is smiling, the person in the colorful robes turns toward the center of the group-line and walks right up to me, embraces me in a hug and says, “You made it! Glad to see you’re here.” A Matrix-y type of greeting if I’ve ever seen one for sure. 

I am hugging her back. She is hugging in a strong, sincere way. I am thinking in my head… ’Lady, I think you’re mistaking me for some one else’. I don’t know this woman, She certainly doesn’t know me. Especially from this crowd, gathered on a Santa Fe summer evening. A crowd who clearly knows WHY they are there. I had no clue why I was there. I just couldn't be where I was at so I had go somewhere, be somewhere else. 

BOOM! There I was. Standing with some fancy-robed ol’ lady hugging me. Just me. No one else. After the hug she - and her entourage - headed into the small door that took them to their Zendo entrance point. No doubt, I most certainly was somewhere else. 

    It was an interesting month of my life. Many many lessons learned. The first and foremost… let's just say that before that experience, way before and often, I expressed that I hate talking to people. If I lost the ability to speak that would be ok by me because then I wouldn't have to talk to people. Entering the compound of Upaya at the start of a month long silent retreat was a huge fuckin wake up call. One that when I reflect on it, I can't help but smile. I couldn't talk to anybody. Nobody was talking to me. No biggie. Unless I needed to know something. 

    On the 3rd day a roommate and I realized that neither one of us was there for Ango, so on the times we weren’t in the meditation hall we could talk to each other!!  IT WAS AWESOME! Kinda like POWs that communicate incognito. Except we weren’t P anything, much less of O.W. We talked for the few days she was there. Then she was gone. People came and left all the time You could come to Ango for the month or for a week at time. In fact, this is normal pretty much all the time. For the time my roommate was there, she and I would get ‘scolded’ silently by one of the priests for whispering and chuckling quietly at breakfast or lunch. Soon the priest (priest was her title) would come sit right by us each time to keep us quiet. Kinda like a dormitory Catholic school would be, I imagine. 

    One evening I was doing dishes. I always did dishes. One of the other hopes I had when I set out for this adventure was to not get stuck in the kitchen. Well, guess what. The universe has a sense of humor that is only funny to it. It's a lesson to you. Anyway, doing dishes…. Tempa Lama was assigned to help, so he was standing next to me getting a bin ready. “Where’s the soap?” he asks me in a whisper. ‘Right down there.” I replied pointing to a cupboard shelf on his right. With that, I got a ‘Shushing” from the priest who decided I was always causing commotion. "He asked me a question!!" I whispered in backtalk as quietly as possible. He speaks to me asking a question, I answer and I get in trouble?!

Wait it gets better. 

    We were rolling along doing dishes just fine. Tempa goes to shift a bin from one sink to the other and it slips out of his hands and and falls straight back down landing perfectly, splashing a volcano of water up onto him.  

    SHIT” he says not in a whisper but not yelling. My eyes got big. Monks cuss?! Then I looked at my PO to see if Tempa was going to get chewed out for cussing AND BEING LOUD! Pretty sure I had the oh-shit-you-really-gonna-get-it look on my face” Serious offense right?

Nope. Nothing. 

Tempa did not get shushed the way I did. 

    There was a lot of laughter, a lot of deep discussion and more than a ton of learning that first trip. There was also a lot of crying. I would break down and just start bawling for no reason. No reason known to me or that I could figure out at the time. Yeah, even tho there was no talking, when necessary there was compassion in any form necessary when needed at that moment. And moments are fluid. 

    Roshi Joan Halifax is an incredible, amazing woman. Her whole being, her past, her education, her experiences, her teaching. Her activism and her being the woman that is wholly her. Unapologetically. All of it. Amazing. 

    I spent time for three summers at Upaya meeting people from all over the world. The insight to so many things were gained there. Opportunities were offered, I just had to grasp them. I did not go to Upaya to find anything, I wasn't searching. I was just hanging out somewhere other than where I was. I couldn't be where I was at, I had to be away from Wells. 

    Following your instincts and taking a leap of faith can be a scary thing. Where there is a will, there’s a way… just make sure you understand why the will. Because what you think (or don't think) will not be what you get. Learn anyway. 

    Many adventures. Misplacement and hitching a ride. Attending the Santa Fe Opera. OMGWOW!! Getting to drive residence out to dinner one evening because no one else knew how to drive stick shift. Sneaking a drink of coffee as if it were an illegal substance and not allowed. Teaching Tempa how to drive stick shift in the worst car possible. Watching young adults stand back in awe at seeing ‘real monks’.  And meeting so, so many people from all over the world. 

Upaya. And Roshi Joan Halifax was the launch pad and the cognizance of my place at that time when I needed it most. To all of it… much gratitude.